A Date and a Barstool....

Dating is a Backburner sport in my world.  I am Blessed to have amazing friends who fill my quiet moments when I am in need of support, of course I love having fun, and being alone is perfectly fine with me.

So why one night before Christmas when I couldn't sleep i signed up for E-Harmony is beyond me, but I did, three months free , just cancel before renewal! So,  I "made" my profile whilst half asleep and when people were messaging me the next day I wondered why, Nothing made sense, I may as well of been blitzed, but it intrigued me to fix it, add pictures and see what could come of it. Up until three weeks ago I had met one very sweet gentleman for coffee, but we are at 2 very different points in our lives and it became apparent quickly that out priorities were not the same. At that point I figured that in order for a relationship to flourish it would take more than I am capable of, and decided it wasn't for me.

 I ignored the " blah blah is interested in you" deleted the daily " Heres your 7 daily matches" until one Wednesday Morning something caught my eye. I decided to check out his profile, looked great and then......"Cat Allergy" Oh Well, I sent a little message saying thanks, but I have cats, he sent a little message saying "all good and good luck", and then later that night I got another message saying he would hate to miss out on something when a allergy pill is easy enough to take if things go well, and so it all begins.....

Now when you have kids and you start to date, it involves " going out" and for me, someplace highly public, because lets face it there are whack jobs out there!!! ( Hell I married 2 of them) So Date #1 at a quaint Wine bar sitting in front of a roaring fire on a freezing cold night. Perfect!!! Date #2 Taphouse on a barstool, Date #3 Bonefish Barstool, Date #4 Bonefish Barstool #5 back to Sedona, #6 back to Bonefish....... Now what I am getting at is this, if you sit at a table , a server is going to expect you to leave or pay rent!! A bartender doesnt care, and if you order food there all the better for them, but this cant go on forever.

We laugh that most our correspondence is through text because we are both single parents and Kids come first, We hang on to every last word laughing hysterically when we spend time together, but I dont want our entire dating experience to take place at a bar, and  I also dont want to rush anything. So Friends whats a girl to do ? How do we Single parents date, get to know one another , protect our kids from getting exposed to someone but also not become a Lush ?

Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone

Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone: 1.  quirkyalone "Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right p...

Quirkyalone

1. quirkyalone

"Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility. Also adj.: The condition of being equally at home with singledom and being in a healthy relationship, undivided, whole. Of, relating to, or embodying quirkyalones."

It has come to my attention that I have become a "Quirkyalone", and I think I am absolutely fine with it, embracing it, gravitating toward it, maybe even loving it. Its not that I wouldn't love to share and spend my life with someone, No, just the opposite. I just believe that when you (as a woman) raise kids, run a home, take care of what ever crosses your path, a man finds it very hard to see where he could play a role in that life. With that said, why aimlessly date and hope it works? 

I read a Blog today, one of my Favorites, SDL. The title was "Girlfriends are meant to be Dumped". Now don't read into it, look up Dan Pearce and read his Blog, he had some very interesting things said and one really resonated with me 

"You are so complex. You have beliefs, and politics, and quirks, and weaknesses, and strengths, and goals, and loves, and hates, and baggage, and hope, and everything else that makes you who you are. To find someone who will fit into all of that for the rest of your life? Like I said, it could take a while -" Dan Pearce

I read those words and was like A-Ha!! You are so right !! We in our disposable society seem to think the alone time between relationships is similar to a flight holding pattern, knowing that at any moment its lift off time again. I was totally guilty of that when my first husband and I split. I was online looking for... something... within months. I hadnt  been without a partner in 17 years, I didnt know what to do with myself when my kids were away, my girlfriends werent close in proximity and I was new to Virginia. Well, I went on ONE date from that online adventure. It was Great, we had an amazing evening and to this day he is one of my very dearest friends, My go to guy, virtually a part of my family, but upon meeting him, I knew undeniably I was NO where near ready for a relationship, So a dear friend he became. And I joined a divorce support group. 

Enter next contestant please, and let me pre-empt this with,"Divorce support groups are meat markets" ! I found this "Meet-Up", It was starting soon nearby and was on a night when my kids had weekly dinner with their dad, perfect!!! Well,  I was the youngest female by 20 years and there were about 10 men in my age range, this was a great esteem boost after being left for someone nearly half my age after 17 years and 4 kids, but then calls began (all our numbers were on a call list, STUPID in retrospect!!) I started "dating " a gentleman from the group.  We had so much in common.... I had 4 sons , he had 4 sons, I recently moved from NY, He recently moved from NY, I love wine, He loved wine ....you get the picture? We went to lots of festivities that centered around our mutual likes, photography meet-ups to Wine Events and such. And then, one evening, over a lovely dinner, he started talking about his Ex wife, Mr. Divorce Support Guy actually said," she was always too tired to give me the attention he needed"....... {silence}....... I asked "Whatever do you mean?"  He replied " Oh, I dont know, but when I got home from work shes always all frazzled, kids running everywhere and dinner not done, I wanted to spend time with her and shes always dealing with the boys, and she just wanted help, I wanted sex and she wanted help " {Silence} Did I mention he had 6 year old Autistic twins? that was in addition to the "moody"13 year old and the "cranky" little one. (his descriptions not mine) I bet she wanted help, Im sure she was frazzled , What the fuck dude ???  Well, it was at that time I suggested he leave, and as he started whining to me "why??" I vaguely remember screaming something to the effect of this..... "HAVE YOU NOT MET ME?? HAVE YOU NOT SAT THROUGH COUNTLESS GROUPS WERE I CRIED ABOUT MY EX SAYING THOSE EXACT THINGS?? OH MY GOD YOU ARE HIM, JUST 5 INCHES TALLER, AND EVEN NEEDIER!! YOU DONT WANT A PARTNER, YOU WANT A SINGLE WHORE AND A NANNY, AND SINCE I AM NEITHER..... GOODNIGHT !!" I never saw him again, but he did mail me a very sappy letter that explained his neediness, and asked for another chance. I was not amused and did not reply.

Enter Contestant #3. A man my family knew, a man who called my mother, stepdad and brother to ask  for permission, and if I was even ready for a relationship. The dating was insane, I never really "dated" anyone until #3 and it was amazing!! We spent time time together , alone, with my kids, my kids adored him, he did so many of the right things it was easy to ignore the the red flags that were blowing right under my nose. I married this man , I honestly believed I loved him and that it was meant to be , but on our wedding day I knew I was making a mistake, a GINORMOUS mistake. There was just this part of me that wanted that perfect picture so bad that I thought I could "Make" it happen against all the unfavorable cards,  i tried so hard, and I think he did as well, but having no children, and his previous marriage 20 years prior lasting less than a year, were just 2 more flashing neon signs i had knowingly unplugged, and that marriage fell to its untimely demise just one year and one week after it began. I am now faced with a two year separation and a man I cant locate to sign divorce papers.

All this out in the open , I am positive why being Quirkyalone is working for me, If it is meant to be , it will happen, if a man truly wants to know me he will make an effort to do so, and if i dont scare the shit out of him, It could be Amazingly Fun!!

In the meantime, I am who I am. My kids are the center of my world . When I have downtime without them I walk the fine line between overextending myself with friends, and activities, and  braless SVU marathons eating peanut butter out of a jar with pretzels in bed all weekend.

So here is my Shout Out to Miss Sasha Cagen, the wonderful Chick who coined the phrase "Quirkyalone", Thank you for giving me my own special little stereotype!!!

Oh For the Love of God!!!! Just answer my FREAKING Question!!!!

Rant Rant Rant !!!!!! If you aren't in to reading a rant that is purely all frustration and that should just be " Let Go Of", I suggest you close this page NOW........

You still here? Well don't comment negatively, I did warn you!! ''

Have you ever asked a simple question, a question that in all rights you were more than entitled to the answer, and yet get passive aggressive, evasive answers? For those of you dealing with an Ex, I am sure from time to time you have had to ask a question and basically need to spell it out to get the reply you need, deserve, want, request, or require. WHY< WHY< WHY?? Please tell me why!!!

 If a custodial parent is asking a noncustodial parent for a work address and work phone number, Do you ask why? and if N.C parent is given an answer of " I am filling out  school forms and I don't have it" Why do I get.... "Well, Why do they need it?" Should I retreat and just leave it blank? Well if I do, when Said parent misses something they blame ME for not notifying them..... Oy Vey!! Really?? You wouldnt give your information!!! Welcome to "Sarahs life 101" !!

Recently I gained knowledge that my ex had lost his job, I have no interest in the how or whys, my concern is for my boys. I have physically stayed in the area that we lived in when we were married to keep the boys in the school system that they were established in. Now its not 90210 or anything but the cost of living is higher here than some other areas of Richmond.  I didn't do it because I love Suburgatory, I did it because it was what was best for my kids. With that said, Every cent I make goes toward bills to live here and the Child support received, is added to that amount, My kids are involved in everything they can be , That takes $$, So I juggle here and there and figure it out, Field Trips, Improv clubs, Drivers Ed fees, Summer Classes, countless trips back and forth to their specialty schools that are not near by, then there are Homecomings, there are track meets, there are birthday parties and the bizarre fact that the beasts wont stop growing!!!! Do you know what jeans cost when your child is 26X34 and there are only a handful of stores you can even purchase them in ??? Well I'll tell you...A LOT!! Now I could tell my kids NO, I could deny them entrance into the Specialty Programs they've worked so hard to get in to, have them ride "Normal " buses that don't involve me at 6:00 am and 4:45-6:00 pm driving and picking up, I could work a 8-5 job that pays better, but gives no flexibility to be there for the kids, and tell them to " Suck it Up", but I don't believe that is fair, I don't believe my kids should be denied because their parents made some shitty decisions that landed them in this scenario.

So I work my Crazy job, that allows me to come in at 9 or 9:08 so I can see my 10 year old off on the bus, and it allows me to work through lunch and leave at 4:30 to pick up from practices, or leave for an hour in the middle of our Clinic hours on a Thursday to catch a Track meet so that my son knows how proud I am of him, It allows me to stay home with a sick kid , or take a group to DC for a special Day (only once in 3 years) but still, they know In all aspects I am "It"! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't get paid when I have to run kids, I am an hourly employee, So when there is a need on their behalf and  i jump. We also don't get help at 5 am running kids to shuttle buses , there isn't any help at 10 on a Monday when a ride is needed home from the Comedy Sportz Club, there isn't any help from cross country practice every afternoon, No, Its just me and the beasts, and we manage pretty Damn well if I say so myself.

So.....With all that said, why oh why, when I ask the question " Will there be any changes in Child support or the dates of disbursement" do I have to get get answers  such as......

"Why would there be?"...... Well because there is a lag time when the state has to set up to pull from a new job, and they do that  because you were such a deadbeat that the courts ordered it be deducted directly from your check, do I need to go on??

I guess if I were the N.C ( his choice BTW) I would be at ease knowing someone had the interests of my kids before their own, that i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my sons were doing great because #1 they ARE great, and #2 they have a parent who supports them in everything they do, and I wouldn't do anything to be a obstacle in the already chaotic situation. Thats just me I guess, Thats not the "norm" i guess, and thats what I have to deal with. So for now I will just "Go with It", and pray that all works out. I will give this nagging worry NO MORE energy, and if any of you reading this can get a glimpse into the life of a single mom and it shines a light on your own behavior and prompts even one person to try and make a teeny tiny change, well than I made a little difference in this entirely fucked up world.

Thanks for indulging me, Have a great Monday night, this Momma needs to pick up a kid!!

Manic Mondays, Wasted Weekends !!

Once again I am blessed enough to live and see another Monday, and for as many Sunday to Monday transitions I have survived , I haven't learned that I cant "Will" the weekend to extend no matter how hard I try and adding hours to Sunday evening, Well  that only makes Monday Mornings even tougher. Teen Beast felt the need to emulate my notion of keeping the weekend alive last night and played  FIFA 2014 way too late, The other two were so beat up by the weekend they didn't mind calling a day a day, but why is it that we don't live all days as happy as we are on the weekends?

Is it because we are rushed, overwhelmed, over extended and we feel as though our obligation to work or school wastes the time that we would generally squander anyway if it were the weekend? Think about it. What I do makes some difference to someone, even with as boring and mundane as the majority of my job life is, but If I don't do it, a domino effect of chaos would ensue. If Teen beast doesn't love the schooling he receives, I begin to question why I invest the time I do to support what I imagine is his love of the arts.

When I think about what is so great about the weekends and try to incorporate it into the daily grind what I really see is that we love the weekend because we crave laziness. Thats sorta scary!!!  In our wild and crazy day to day ,  all the things we are Passionate about are happening, Whether its Drama and the Arts, Running Cross Country, Cooking and Baking, or just snuggling with a kid and a book at the end of a long day. We don't engage in that when the weekend comes. No, instead we stay in our PJ's, waste the day playing video games, watching trashy TV, and pretend to "make a plan" all day, only to order take out, and continue our Slugfest.

When My kids are with their Dad for the weekend I tend to try and make the most of my time, whether its Catching up with Friends, cleaning house , doing laundry, or events that are not kid friendly or kid appropriate, it is then I  feel my spent time was "Weekend Worthy".All this isn't to say that downtime isn't important or necessary, But I honestly feel that if I lived everyday with the notion that EVERYDAY is Amazing, whether it involves carpools or cocktails.Then maybe, just maybe every Sunday night wouldnt consist of wishing for "One more " day to my weekend . Instead I could honestly treasure the time at hand. Today is Day one! Here we go with this ........

I will ask myself  "if today was Saturday what would I do that I feel I am missing out on ?" My answer on this AMAZINGLY beautiful day, I would cookout and invite dinner guests, So I will!!! Make it a Great day people, Its already half over, and you will never get it back!!!!

Welcome to Crazy Town: Seriously? Are you really that happy?

Welcome to Crazy Town: Seriously? Are you really that happy?: Yes, Yes I am this happy!! Why is it so hard in life for people to be happy, and accept that even in the midst of diversity, you can find ...

Seriously? Are you really that happy?

Yes, Yes I am this happy!! Why is it so hard in life for people to be happy, and accept that even in the midst of diversity, you can find peace and be Happy ?  Really I need some answers, my curiosity meter is off the hook!! This is beyond my comprehension! Why are some people choosing to be negative and unhappy?

If you know me, you know the smile on my face is pretty genuine. Honestly I try to " Not Sweat the Small Stuff" or even the BIG stuff for that matter,  it doesn't do me any good, why not just " Let it Go" ? Thats not to say I don't worry, but I don't notify everyone I know about my crazy thoughts. What fun is that? If someone sat me down today and asked me what I my biggest gripes were, they would probably be really surprised, It wouldn't include my "rantables" that i through out on Facebook or even what I bitch about in Blogs. The stuff that truly saddens me Is sad, and I reserve it.

So why is it that some people feel the need to relive their bullshit and baggage daily? Why if you are healthy, you are employed, your kids are healthy, vibrant, excelling, you have food in you cabinets, more than enough money in the bank, people around you who love and support you, would you continue to focus on "A" negative aspect in your life? Focus To the point that it makes you physically ill ? I cant imagine why one would chose to wake up everyday and make a conscious decision to be anything other than happy.

With that being said, I do understand some people having Mentally Illness, being clinically depressed, Bi Polar, or so forth, and they cant "Be Happy" without some mental health intervention.I GET THAT!!Not the case on point. Case in Point involves a scorned woman who is looking for a Man to swoop in solve all her problems, raise her kids, and financially rescue her from dealing with an Ex who is less than desirable to deal with!! WAKE THE FUCK UP HONEY!!!! NO MAN WANTS THAT KIND OF BAGGAGE!!!

So here I am , the friend who was just cried AT and screamed AT for an hour, because no one understands how hard it is to be " A single mom with three boys and a narcissistic ex husband" ummmmm??? Well yes, yes I do! "Well you don't have an ADHD child who dominates yours and your families time and energy" why yes, yes i do, " Well you didn't have a judge that couldn't see through your exes lies" Hmmmmm ??? why yes, yes I did......... and that's when you have to pull the "My phone is almost dead card" and 3 minutes, 3 long minutes later, you disconnect.

Happiness, Happiness people, BE FUCKING HAPPY!! If you are reading this, you have a computer or phone that allows you access to the internet, that makes you among the the top 34% of people in the world!!! Yipee!!! Did you have coffee this morning? you are among the 61% of people worldwide who have access to clean water!!! WooHoo!!!Yeah, yeah, I know, in the grand scheme of car pools and scooping kitty liter, planning weekly grocery lists, dealing with Exes, dealing with kids, parenting, budgeting, all the day to day mundane bullshit sometimes we don't let these things register, but maybe we should!!

Six and a half years ago I thought I was living the dream, big house, new cars every few years , vacations, nannies, unlimited everything I could ever Want, and in the blink of an eye everything changed, and it sucked, and it hurt, but life goes fucking on !!  Soon I learned why all those material things made up my  "life", My eyes were opened to the lack of joy and happiness,My eyes are opened to the void that I filled with material things, and I reassessed , I regrouped, I put on My big girl panties and showed the world what I got!!  I got Happy!! And No One will take that from me, its mine. Yeah I complain, I bitch, and then  I get over it.

Look I am NO poster child for perfection by any means!! But the way I see it,We get this tiny  speck of time on this earth and WE get to choose what WE do with it, and if things happen that are out of our control WE get to decide how WE react to it.Why not choose to be happy?

I don't have a bazillion readers or anything, but the handful that do read this, Be Happy, Please !!! Being Happy makes this fucked up world a much better place. Smile at people, encourage people, talk to people, help people, Show your happiness, Share your happiness, and if someone is constantly negative and constantly and willfully unhappy, be careful, don't get sucked in. And always, ALWAYS remember..... Don't let anyone EVER dull your Sparkle!!

Boundaries and Heartbreak

Hey Fellow parents, any of you dealing with grown children who are trying to figure life out? ( I mean we all are are to an extent) but seriously, Grown Children who think every idea is the best yet? I have a  child who chose the road not traveled at all and is constantly frustrated and questioning why life is hard as hell?

As a Mom I want to fix things and in his life the situations are not ones that are fixable by anyone other than the said child. Well talk about defeat, talk about heartbreak, I don't want anyone to struggle, hell i do enough of that for our whole clan, but I am also teetering on how to proceed. I guess he wont ever fly on his own if i keep his wings clipped and try to smooth over every situation, but then there is the guilt, and the and the feelings of failure as a parent that creep in, those nasty enabling habits that are so hard to break, and ultimately have probably led him to where we are now, but this isn't a kid who ever made things easy for himself, he has always tested every situation to the brink of explosion for all involved, which has ultimately pushed people away. I am the last on standing, I can no longer help him financially, and shouldn't, but i worry to death over him not having a steady job, an apt.. of his own, a car, (since he sold the one that was bought for him last year) I know he is 22, I know he is fully capable, so what is the problem?

Bottom you say? He needs to hit bottom.... Oh he has hit bottom, yeah hes been there, Jail, Homeless, you name it, but with a little help got himself in a good position, and things were looking up until the next wild hair , and we are off and running again. I am not saying my kids need to be superstar success stories, but self sufficient would be Flipping Fantastic!!

I feel like my parents in the way that I relay things to him....." When I was you age I had you, worked 3 jobs and figured shit out!!! When I didnt pay my phone bill, guess what? Yup, NO PHONE, Lights ?? they needed to be paid to be on, I didnt love the Resort Town work that I did, but I sure as hell did it, Busted my ass in the busy season and saved for the slow seasons, Made a babysitting Co-Op so all us young moms could network and not get screwed without coverage, as 20 somethings we all worked our asses off.

What as a mom am I to do ? I am concerned, I am worried (dont laugh) I am saddened, that he isnt ever going to get it together, and that he will always feel as though there is always something better, never satisfied, Is that just how some people are? When do we as parents just step back and throw our hands in the air?

Worrier Vs. Warrior

I am a worrier , its just who I am. I worry about the silliest and most irrelevant things, along side the real stuff that comes with being a parent. I have noticed over the last six years that broken families are more the norm than not these days and being the "Custodial Parent" has lead me to be even more the worrier.

*Kid with a cough, Is it Pneumonia again?
*Kid with a rash , Scarlet Fever?
*Kid riding with friends, will he remember his sealtbelt? Will he be safe?
*Kid trying out for something new, Will he be ok if he doesnt get it?
*Will I make it to all the pick up spots today on time?
*Can I get to every meet ? Will he be upset if I cant?
*Am I giving them every experience I can , will they be well rounded ?

I could go on and on, but it just shows my craziness so I will stop. What I am getting to is hard to articulate. I would never change the custody I have, but I want to know how it is that a parent can be so removed from their children that all the worry falls on to the parent who chose to still be a parent when a marriage falls apart?

Last night I held my phone waiting for Tiny Beast #2 (Who is not so tiny anymore) to check in every time he got to a destination, he called or texted each time, as he promised, but as the night went on and i got sleepy waiting for the final destination call it dawned on me that as a parent I will worry, because I care and I carry my kids in my heart every moment and everywhere i exist, and I need to channel all that worry into being a Momma Warrior !!

I made the the decision to allow the kiddo in the car with friends, its a part of him extending his wings, he is an AWESOME kid , he makes decent decisions, he followed protocol and he is ok .So,  Its either allow them to fly, set protocols and stick by them or remove ourselves from society, and where sometimes I think that would be an exciting adventure, going off grid is not an option. (per my beasts)

So as We embark on a new week, a week where there is a half day to figure out, 4 Cross country practices to pick up from, 3 play rehearsals to figure out transportation , and Beast #2 has an audition at an improv club. You know what? I can do it!! I can do it because I am a BAD ASS , Im a Warrior, and because at the end of the day the results are the same whether I worried or not,  It does me no good and it sucks the life out of what is right in front of me,

As far as being a removed parent who doesnt worry because they are to self absorbed to even think about what is happening in their children lives, i used to be kind of jealous of the quiet you must have in your mind without all the worry floating around, but now I just feel pity for you, You miss out, you miss out on a sons first night out with friends, you miss out on a hilarious trip to the ER and the story of a nurse teasing your son about scratching his "parts" , not because you arent here, but because you chose not to be a part of your kids lives .

Single parents, try not to worry this week, channel it into magnifying all the kick ass things that make you a Warrior!!!

I am Woman Hear Me Roar !!!

As my babes started school yesterday I came to realize that this past year had been a major accomplishment that I had achieved all on my own. It was liberating, empowering, it was beautiful and I am proud. Over  the past few years  I had come to rely on significant others, (even with as insignificant as they were) My Mom and Step-Dad, and friends for physical hands on help, whether transporting kids or being an available body while I had any combination of the others somewhere else, but after weeding my "Man" garden last summer, and My lovely Mother and Fabulous Step Dad relocating to North Carolina last September, my resources sort of collapsed in that department, and I had to regroup, put my Big Girl Panties on and figure it out!! It opened my eyes to a culture of Moms that show strength, without ever asking for validation, or to have their egos stroked, and that is because we are Strong, That is because We Persevere, That is because we are Women!

In the past five years I have gone through and watched a plethora of my women friends go through divorce, and with the exception of one, it was initiated or caused by a mans failure to stay committed when faced with boredom, personal failure, self esteem issues, intimacy issues ,addiction issues, infidelity issues, job issues unemployment issues, and on and on. Now I am not of the mind that two people got to those places "alone" but I am of the mind that it takes TWO willing parties to fix an issue, and commit to what they vowed to honor. What I have witnessed are Men in these situations become Weak Man Children and slink away rather than face that their woman is the stronger of the two, and would be and are willing to stand by them through diversity and work very hard to mend the broken.

To me, the men of days past are long gone, The "provider" who worked so his wife could stay home and raise kids, make the Home Happy, cook yummy dinners....Blah, Blah, Blah.... all gone, and the women are the ones who mixed up those roles, I am well aware of that. In the mixing of these roles however, the "Provider" role transferred to husband AND wife , while the kids and the house did NOT, thus making the woman the stronger in the dynamic, and led these said Man Children off to look for something to make them feel important. As a woman, as a nurturer we are programmed to raise and  protect our children, and the majority of us do that blind to the obvious that It has made us the Stronger of the two.

So as Moms, we raise kids, parent kids, set limits for kids, shuttle kids, care for kids, take time off work to be there for kids, cheer for kids , cry with kids , laugh with kids, get up at the ass crack of dawn for kids, we scream at kids, we punish kids, we listen to kids, we referee kids, we help kids, we teach kids, we do what ever it takes to get these babes ready to go into the world, and we didn't decide to do this one day all alone......No, we fell in love, we made babies, we watched these tiny humans grow into the people they are becoming,with our partner, and when your partner decides to be weak, and dip out because they cant man up to the responsibility they vowed to uphold, we will still do all that, while working, managing the money, the house, the carpools, the practices, our own friendships and relationships and we will do it with Grace. Because as women We Are Stronger, and We Are Braver.

I know this doesnt set the standard for all women or for all men, but in the scenes that have played out in my life and the lives of my friends, this is what has happened, all I can say to you ladies is Shine on !! Dont ever flame out for a man who thinks you Burn too Bright.

Running??? Can I do that?

Why is it that when someone flat out tells us we CAN'T do something, we immediately feel the need to prove them wrong? When all along it was something we know we should be doing if we want to obtain a goal, but instead of doing that we make excuses for ourselves, get comfortable, think that things could be WAY WORSE and become complacent?? I know its human nature, but I want an answer why!!!

I read a Blog that I found through a pinterest link, a mom, close to my age, making shit happen!! not perfect, and doesn't claim to be, but has found a niche and its working, www.mamalaughlin.com/ .So after reading her HILARIOUS blog, I say to myself, "Self, you are so close, you could do that, put on those fancy running shoes collecting dust and just GO!!!" to which my other self says" Bitch its 110 degrees outside, why the hell would you do that  today,especially when  there is a lovely chilled bottle of Sonoma Cutrer in the fridge?? Now get a grip on yourself, and go pour a BIG glass and try to come to your senses!!!" 


And I did, and that was almost a week ago. So this week I saw the weather was going to break and that would be my perfect opportunity to start, and I thought it would be a GREAT idea to get the boys in on this with me since they are such awesome runners!!! Well that is where my inspiration for this post comes in!!! #2 Beast child says" But Mom...you cant run, you have no definition in your calves" SERIOUSLY kid?? Do you have a death wish? Whats that old saying? "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!!!" I was pissed, had it not been 108 outside, I would have run right out the door at that moment, or had I really been a runner, i wouldn't care what the temperature is, i would "just do it"!!! BUT I AM NOT A RUNNER.....Yet!!
 

Well today is my day, I really don't have an issue in the food dept, I have that down, lots of fresh food, lean protein, close to NO carbs....yadayadayada, but I dont like to exercise, Really...I never have, maybe I was just not cut out for it, then I realized that excuses werent gonna get me anywhere, and If  I wanted to feel as good about myself as I used to 15 pounds thinner, I needed to step up my game,   (WHO AM I JOKING?? I HAVE NO GAME) Ahem, I needed to get some game!!

So today, after I finish work and grocery shop, and start dinner, I vow to move the best I can for 45 minutes, whether that means walk, jog, run...I cant imagine I can run, but I will imagine being chased and that should do the trick!!!And  I hope you all can encourage me , hold me accountable, and ask the really hard questions like "Hey Sarah, are those running shoes on your feet or a glass of wine in your hand?"




I dont think I am brave enough to post pictures... Just not that sure I would want to scar my friends like that, but i will take pictures , and I will post pounds and inches lost, I did lose 15 pounds and have kept that off since I initially posted in April, but these last 15 are stubborn and No fun at all!!! So thats all I got today in Crazy town, but I will be back!!! 

I'm not your friend , I am your MOTHER!!!!

    So I am kinda in the shitter with my Sons over a comment I made some time ago... I simply said as a response to "I DON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE!!!!!!"... "Thats perfectly fine darling. I love you, I always will, thats what parents do,and I am not your friend I am your mother, and you don't have to like me"

   Well they cried, I mean tears, "YOU DON'T LIKE ME???? how could you say that? I am your child, you gave birth to me, and you don't like me?" I tried to explain myself and that only seemed to make things worse. Now, we are a few months down the road and I am reminded constantly of my comment. Should I happen to ask... "Whats wrong Buddy?" I now get....."YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND, WHAT DO YOU CARE?"

   As you can imagine this saddens me, I am the primary caregiver to these Not so Tiny Humans , and its hard to be the parent I want to be and not be seen as the enemy sometimes, We have fun, I am involved, but as kids see things....I am the "all rules, no fun parent". I changed my parenting style about 3 months ago, and while I am seeing improvement in behavior, the calmness of my home, I guess thats just not that much fun to boys....

     So this weekend I am gonna mix things up, Im not gonna go all E.E. on them or anything, I mean who lets  a nine year old jump off an abandon building into the James River?? Not this mom....and apparently Kings Dominion is fun and Roller Coasters are great , but we do that "too much", So I am thinking about camping...Fun huh?? Mountains, cooking over a fire, smores and scary stories....Maybe we will see a bear, or a snake... They wont have to shower... they will love that, Hell they dont even have to change their underwear if they so chose. Is that fun? We could even go as far as to make it a "Survivor" weekend. Now for those of you who know me well, you know I dont do camping...I dont do hotels that are less than 4 stars... So this is a real stretch for me, and i know my darlings will see my sacrifice and understand then the difference between loving a child and being a friend.....ROTFLMAO!!!!! No they wont!!!! and in all actually I think I will send them camping ALONE and see who survives, now that would be fun, eh? A pack of matches, a sleeping bag each, a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a fishing pole, maybe a compass and a map!!! Do you think then they will come to appreciate and respect their hard working mother? How about the mundane task of keeping clean laundry, hot meals, rides to and from bus stops, afterschool functions, friends houses???How about the countless all nighters because someone had a bad dream or a stomach ache? I could go on forever about these things that I do, these things I do without thinking, they are like breathing to me, I do them because I am a Mom, I do them because I love my children, I do them because if I didnt no one would. Is it too much to ask for them to be grateful? Is it too much to ask of them to understand?

    I will let you know if I actually do this camping idea, I will probably wimp out, THEY would probably wimp out, I can hear them now..."its so hot, the bugs suck, I wanna play X-Box, Dad would have let us jump off that 500 foot water fall into unknown waters....YOU ARE NO FUN!!! You know what? Maybe I should start with a non room serviced hotel... Would that seem fun???
 

5,4,3,2,1.....Here we Go With MONDAY!!!

What an AMAZING Weekend, Friday started with a Good Ol' cookout, and some Crazy Kiddos!!! Saturday was a DREARY day, and I was sick, but the boys were wonderful and let me rest, then we went to see the AVENGERS, Me, The Ex and all four Boys, What an accomplishment, Yay for Co-Parenting!!!

Sunday we all got up and ready, met up with.....(hmmm, not sure what to call him, well call him" M.A.H." My absent husband) So, met up with MAH and headed to Kings Dominion, What an AWESOME day !!! The kids were each tall enough to ride EVERY RIDE!!!!! Finally, a sigh of relief, its sorta like when you have stair step kids and the last one finally is out of diapers.... Its an indescribable freedom, BUT that freedom was always my excuse for not riding the coasters, and it has been a damn good rouse for the past 19 years. Well guess what , not anymore, and I thought after riding the DOMINATOR I had proved my Bravery and could go about my
day riding things like the swings,  and  other "easy rides, maybe the bumper cars...But NO !! #3 and #2 quickly took off to do the "big " rides, and #4 wanted to ride the Scooby Doo. ( totally my speed)
Look at how Happy those people are!! Well that wasnt enough for #4, as soon as we got off that he says...."Hey Mom, I think I might like that Anaconda Coaster, can we try together?" Well who says no to a kid facing his fear, Not this Mom!!! So we moved on to bigger and way more Painful rides, but he did it, and he loved it!! I could go on and on, but there is so much about this morning to share still, that I will post one last picture from yesterday, this was the last ride of the day, #4 decided he would ride the Dominator, #3 rode in the front and M.A.H and I took #4 a few rows back( this was much better the second time by the way) and #4 LOVED it!!!! So #3 and he ran back through the line to ride ALONE in The FRONT CAR..... and yes I bought the souvenir photo, because I was just that Happy about our Fantastic Family day, and that we all SQUASHED those Coaster Fears!!!!

Fast Forward to this morning, alarm, snooze, alarm, snooze ,alarm...PANIC, WAKE UP!!!! Got #3 to his shuttle, almost killed my sleepy self when I  pulled out in front of a car(totally my fault), got some caffiene in me and #4 to school, then #2 had a Dr. appt for his allergies. We get into the exam room and the nurse asks"do you need a step stool to get up there Honey?" Ummmm, #2 is 5'3 and 14 and it was all we could do to keep from falling out laughing at her, but we stayed composed until she left the room. We made it through the appt. and are now about to start yet another regimen of meds, and an old man(who was speaking to himself when we got there) says to me as we are exiting "whats wrong with you're skinny little girl?" Let me say if it hadn't been for  the abundance of compliments he received about his Hair this morning at Panera, we may of had a real incident on our hands, but once again, we laughed hysterically, I made it up to him with a Mocha Frappacino on the way to school and all was well!!!

Fast forward to work ....I am not here 5 minutes, and a patient is calling about her schizophrenic girlfriend, they are both Schizo, and met at the local Psychiatric Hospital when they were there for inpatient treatment, (I am being COMPLETELY SERIOUS!!) the phone call went a little something like this.....

Betty-"Miss Sarah, this is Betty, YoYo stabbed me over the weekend 7 times, I got stitches in my head, my eye, my neck, but listen I need you to TDO her"

TDO =temporary detaining order

Me-"Wait a minute, you were stabbed? , you need to call the police"

Betty-" I did, they arrested her but one of the kids bonded her out, and right now she on the corner by my house with her pants at her ankles screaming, "kiss my BIG BEAUTIFUL BLACK ASS" as people go by, the woman ain't right"

This went on and on, but I am happy to report YoYo(*that is her name!!!) has been taken back into custody and is awaiting crisis transport to our local psychiatric facility....


Happy Freakin' Crazy Monday!!!! and its only noon. So I will patiently wait for what  for  more that could bring me excitement and joy? I can hardly wait !!!

Oh and we all made a deal this morning, that if they clean their rooms and help me with the laundry this afternoon, i will give back the Xbox for a weeks  trial, BUT, they have to sing EVERYTHING THEY SAY!!!!

***** This was a bit odd while at the doctors office, but its Fun, and thats what its all about....Eh?

My son is a MAN !!!

As most of you know I have 4 sons, the oldest of which is , ahem.... 21 (and, yes I did have him when I was 10 LOL) Any who, he is going to stay with me for a week or so until things level out for him with his  living situation , he arrived last night , and in the 2 months since I last saw him last,  has taken up some serious weight lifting and working out. Now I knew this as we have been in touch over the past few months, but I guess I underestimated his determination. Let me put it this way, He came in the house and scared me, I mean I didn't recognize is silhouette as he came into my sight, and considering , there had been a knock at the door, and I said come in.... There was  a split second that I was wondering who the strange man was in my house.

We had a great evening, catching up, and eventually I had to get to bed and it was time for him and his buddies to hit the gym, So at 10:00, he packed a gym bag, made a protein drink,Got the scoop on how crazy and loud the house would be at 6:30 as the 3 younger beasts and I prepare for our day, took a key and headed out.

I guess I am writing this for myself, to remember this funny yet endearing evening with my son, who I had to kick out of my house back in February shortly after he had turned 21.To push him into growing up. As hard as that was for both of us, I see him now as a young man, working 2 jobs,he has  paid off court and legal fees in order to FINALLY obtain a drivers license ( which he was so proud to show off), has formed friendships, and has begun mending relationships in his life.

Raising sons is the hardest and the most rewarding endeavor all at the same time!! So now to look at this young man, that  I have been positive I had ruined, and see him growing, brings back faith and confidence in myself as Mom. I Thank God for the Grace he has given me with my children. The Grace that I lose sight of so often. I Know in my heart He has this, and He will continue to guide me through this journey of Motherhood the best that I can, and he has the rest....

***** I will have to snap a picture of him, you all wont believe its even him!!! LOL

Starbucks and Men....

You know how they say the way to a mans heart <3 is through his stomach, well the way to My heart is a nice big cup of coffee, preferably delivered to me, on a whim, in a Starbucks cup!! That makes my heart smile, and then do jumping jacks and back flips, but still, I LOVE COFFEE. Now I am not a coffee snob or anything, I mean I do love Starbucks, but its the coffee, not a frufru flffy drink, just a BIG BOLD coffee.....YUMM-O!!!

So, when my first ex husband, I guess my only ex husband, and I started having coffee this year to create a "better environment" for our children, Our meeting place was Starbucks. Nice, Neutral Starbucks,Oh, and they have Caffeine...BONUS!!! As time has progressed our schedules have not meshed that well, so he has been offering to drop Coffee off to me!!! Awesome you say? The first time I have to admit I didn't even drink it, I poured the whole thing in the toilet... I was scared, did he spit in it, or worse?? Well in the last few weeks of my "transformation" I have really been learning to Trust...(not that he is trustworthy or anything) but if hes gonna spend 3 bucks on a coffee and go out of his way to get it to me, maybe just maybe hes being nice...Who knows ??

Now On Thursdays I used to get Coffee delivered to me from my Good friend Bob.(well we'll call him Bob)Bob watches, I mean watched , my kids on Thursdays (he has a girlfriend now) and now hes a bit too busy..... Anywho, Thursdays used to be my Most Favorite days, You see Tiny Beast #4 would come on into my office, and deliver me a Big Ol' Coffee, and even though it was bought by a Bob, having one of the beasts deliver it , always made my Thursdays better, and Thursdays are hard days at work, FULL ON CRAZY!!!!

Then there are the Drug Dealers, I mean Drug Reps......They love to bring me coffee, Because I am their "Golden Ticket" if I don't get them through to the Doctor, they don't get to promote their drugs, if they don't promote their drugs their numbers don't go up, if their ....You get the picture. So on any given Thursday or Friday, when these so called reps are coming by, at any given time there are 2-5 Starbucks cups on my desk.
Which is bringing me around to a point here..... When speaking someones love language I find it very easy, There are things that speak to a person, whether silly, intimate, personal, what have you. For me, I love coffee,and my friends Know that !!!Coffee picks me up when I am down,  even acquaintances know this, that's why I can talk about coffee forever, Thats why the people mentioned above do what they do, they know it speaks to me, and in turn gets them what they want....

But when it comes to Love, real love, with someone you truly love and they Cannot speak the language to you , is there love there? If you know a phone call will leave your loved one counting the minutes until they see you, wouldn't you call them? I don't know how love looks to you but to me it is the core of who we are, we were put here to love, If you cant articulate the feelings you can always show the feelings, in a million little things. Remember Llyod Dobler, Remember the scene with the boom box?? In your eyes??? Even Lloyd got it, he spoke the best he could, but when it comes down to it, a lady needs to be shown..... Is that too much to ask?

****** If I die from this coffee, you know who did it!!!!

Seek Knock Ask....

I

Are you ever at a Crossroads and Honestly don't know how to read the sign? I think I am there, I get my Red shoes on and start running down this road, not fearful of the changes and decisions I am making, and determined by what I am doing, and where I am being lead, only to be confused by the freaking signs?? Well....How do you know what to do? I read something that said you shouldn't make ANY life altering decisions unless you have given the process at least 3 months. 3 months of thought, prayer, therapy, you pick , but 3 months to process. Well, I thought my processing was done. I have begun the rebuilding of Sarah, and The boys.... So now what? This is where Faith steps in and challenges me, this is where the confusion sets in, If i follow the Word on Marriage, and I am the only one, what does that look like? For me/ for my sons? I don't believe I can put faith in a man who doesn't have faith in himself. Is that wrong? If you build someone up for all the days and years you are together, but he still resides so far in his past that he wont or cant receive it, where does that put us?

I want so much to believe in people and their ability to do right, and yet I am so sick and tired of people staying in what holds them down, because its easier to be unhappy and falsely feed your ego, than deal with, confront and be the person God has intended you to be. So now after starting down the "Road to Recovery" Is there a reason to look back, and how bright must that "sign" be to make me stray from the path I am on? Here is Matthew 7:7
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

Well I did just that, and that is what has lead me to where I am right now, so Do I stop, take a stand, and do it again? What if I am on the road I need to be, then what? Will I continue to be lead this way, I mean I guess I would.... Well my rambling is hitting an all time high, so I will end this, but when is enough enough?? and how do you trust yourself with decisions to be made when the past decisions we have made have not always been that great??

Craving Closeness.....

At what point are we OK enough that we can just be alone? And If God intended for me to be alone.... Well he didn't , so I wont even go there, (We all know know that God saw Adam Lonely and Created Eve for him to have a companion, so he was not LONELY....) And if that is not your belief, find in your beliefs equally substantiated evidence.

I guess what I am wondering  is? Am I lonely or am I Craving a Closeness? I have had the good and the bad, and all the in between in relationships, I have lost myself  so much I didn't recognize myself in the end.I don't ever want to be that Woman again.  So, How can I have it all? How can I be strong my own convictions, and stand for what is right and solid in MY life, AND compromise (which by the way means "jointly promise" I found that interesting, I always thought it to mean "to settle") to what it now takes to be in a relationship?

 I am aware that I am wild and Crazy, I know I have baggage out the wazoo, but that's me, I don't want that to change, (well maybe the baggage,I am working on that) but as I write and read I sound like a selfish little bitch. So what does it take? I mean is there really a man for every woman and woman for every man, who loves unconditionally , accepts without judging , blah blah blah???

Here I am, conflicted, wearing out my knees praying, and I guess waiting and "sitting in it " is where I am suppose to be. Is that faith? is that Complacency? Laziness? Ever feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs and nothing is coming out? I'm there, and tired of it.  What do I do? Can I draw a line in the sand, and never look back, I joke about what some people will do, or change for another person, and I know in my life there are things I would ask people to change for me. (not their name , or hair color, or drop 100 pounds, did I really say that??) But I would ask people to change their ways, no one is gonna be equip to deal with my life and if he is a man who has enough kids to understand, why did he leave them??? I have become so Jaded, and hardened because of stupid shit circumstances in my life, I am terrified of doing it again....So here lets start with "remarriage" this is what is said.....

 Position 4: Divorce - Remarriage 
Divorce, though not God's desire, is also not the unforgivable sin. Regardless of the circumstances, all divorced persons who have repented, should be forgiven and allowed to remarry.

 but with that said....Read on....

Position 1: No Divorce 

Marriage is a covenant agreement, meant for life, therefore it must not be broken under any circumstance; remarriage further violates the covenant and therefore is not permissible.

So now where am I? Granted the ability to move on after being divorced the first time, to now be in a situation that has dysfunction, but love! Where the first marriage had EVERYTHING under the sun and NO LOVE and could make a Trashy Beach novel seem boring!!! What do I do? As a believer, I feel convicted to try, and as a Woman who has been through enough shit, and doesn't want to go through anymore, I am ready to walk..... There is that screaming again...Did you hear it??

Sarah and the Beasts VS. Commercialism and Conformity

Well It was a little over a week ago I was Crying in my Cheerios over wanting change in my family, and the made the decision to CHANGE it up, and I have ,and its working, and I didnt go all Psycho on them, I didnt remove all technology, I started with me!! I invested my time into them in the evening and gave "Social Sarah" a break, So as much as the tiny beasts ask to have my friends around all the time,what my dumb ass didnt get, was that when people come over, my focus shifts, I cook more, I drink some wine, I dont push bedtime, and they basically do whatever they want....Go figure!!! So This week No more, or at least EVERY NIGHT!!!

Second thing...No Video Games during the week, Duh??? Engaged them in "DOING" things instead, Eli rode his bike while I did 5 miles every day we were home, we made detective scenarios out of our adventure. We did things that I always did as a married mom, but allowed my  Crap to get in the way as Single mom, So I am Actively working on my "plank" and I am feeling so much lighter, and less stressed!!

So its Sunday Morning, we have  a Jam Packed day ahead of us, and I am sitting on the couch sipping coffee, color on my hair laundry going, watching Myth Busters with Max and Eli while they build and rebuild Marshmallow PVC shooters, and I am reminded, that its the little things, that are actually the big things, that I am Blessed beyond belief, and all in all,  One amazingly Happy, and Satisfied Chickie!!!

So Happy Earth Day People, and today, Praise God, Love your Family, and Protect our Earth!!


***** Side note, 2.3 more pounds!!! YAY ME!!!

WINNING!!!!!!!

I am Feeling like I am having a Banner week, I started this new way of eating and living lifestyle, and I am kinda loving it, I really thought I would miss the wine, but so far so good,Now  I havent been in a social setting, but as far as my evening ritual.....I OWN IT NOW!!!!! Even yesterday when I got home hours early, I didnt cheat, and I walked 5 more miles!!!

Enough of that though, I read a quote today that made me go hmmmmmmm? It said"Let go or be dragged" I have taken this to heart in EVERY realm of my life since I read it, and this is my next "Change" to make happen. I have the new kid routine in full swing, and after only 10 days, its awesome. I could kick myself for being scared and NOT doing anything before now!!! I got my lifestyle "wants" in order. So now on to all the pretty "Little Loose  Ends" that complicate MY LIFE!!!! And to you all I say, Step up or give up!!! I wont judge either way. Be the person God intended you to be, I can live with that, but not the manipulation!!!

   Seriously, that is where my little Quote (UP THERE)comes in today, It is so true, and there are a few loose ends that I really need to consider with, I am being "dragged " by these relationships? ......Dragged down, Dragged along, Dragged with and all the while I am allowing myself to be dragged. What in the world am I doing?? What kind of example am I being for my sons?? You know that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"?? Well hello Sarah, are you insane?As found in Websters....and I quote" They say that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the samething but expecting to get different results."    

So, I ask myself, "Self, are going to let these people continue to  walk on you, drag you along, drag you down, be a reason to flame out"?? Oh NO HELL NO!!!( a saying from one of the above mentioned) 


******* Interruption.....patient just walks in(yes, I blog at work, its the only time I can!!LOL) I ask "What happened? you are 2 hours late", He very sweetly tells me...."you see, I accidentally knocked out one of the staff, at my group home"....As you can imagine, I was like...Accidentally?"Yes Ms. Sarah, she walked right in front of my fist, It was amazing" and that would be my job in a nutshell, in"Crazytown"




Ok, back to life , Well I've decided  I am gonna "trim the fat", "weed the garden" or whatever other little sayings you use to rid my Crazy life of any UNNEEDED Craziness, God knows I have PLENTY of my own Here in Crazytown!!! 


******Also..... I weighed myself today, I have lost 5.4 pounds..... YAY!!!!

Day one Success!!

Well..... I made it through day 1.... I learned its really Freakin' hard to drink a Gallon of water and its odd to eat throughout the day...Oh and drinking that much , Ya Pee ALOT!!! So Food wise I followed to a tee here goes

Breakfast-
1/2 cup of cottage cheese with 1 &1/2 tbsp of oat bran
coffee with shim milk
2 fried eggs
Snack-
4 steamed shrimp
lunch-
a grilled chicken breast
1/2 cup of cottage cheese
snack-
5 shrimp
Dinner-
flank steak
cottage cheese

I had 2 cups of Green tea and a glass of crystal light, and then my Gallon of water
Sarah H. and I walked for 45 minutes , and then she did my measurements, our as is the same!!! I love my wifey <3
Shoulders 40
arm 12.5
calve 17
thigh 23.5
butt 44
waist 35
bust 40.5

Sad Sad Sad!!!! But I am doing something about it!! and thats what matters to me, so there is the down and dirty, The Beasts just arrived, and its time to snuggle!!!I am only gonna update this on Tuesdays..... Wish me Luck !!