Quirkyalone

1. quirkyalone

"Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility. Also adj.: The condition of being equally at home with singledom and being in a healthy relationship, undivided, whole. Of, relating to, or embodying quirkyalones."

It has come to my attention that I have become a "Quirkyalone", and I think I am absolutely fine with it, embracing it, gravitating toward it, maybe even loving it. Its not that I wouldn't love to share and spend my life with someone, No, just the opposite. I just believe that when you (as a woman) raise kids, run a home, take care of what ever crosses your path, a man finds it very hard to see where he could play a role in that life. With that said, why aimlessly date and hope it works? 

I read a Blog today, one of my Favorites, SDL. The title was "Girlfriends are meant to be Dumped". Now don't read into it, look up Dan Pearce and read his Blog, he had some very interesting things said and one really resonated with me 

"You are so complex. You have beliefs, and politics, and quirks, and weaknesses, and strengths, and goals, and loves, and hates, and baggage, and hope, and everything else that makes you who you are. To find someone who will fit into all of that for the rest of your life? Like I said, it could take a while -" Dan Pearce

I read those words and was like A-Ha!! You are so right !! We in our disposable society seem to think the alone time between relationships is similar to a flight holding pattern, knowing that at any moment its lift off time again. I was totally guilty of that when my first husband and I split. I was online looking for... something... within months. I hadnt  been without a partner in 17 years, I didnt know what to do with myself when my kids were away, my girlfriends werent close in proximity and I was new to Virginia. Well, I went on ONE date from that online adventure. It was Great, we had an amazing evening and to this day he is one of my very dearest friends, My go to guy, virtually a part of my family, but upon meeting him, I knew undeniably I was NO where near ready for a relationship, So a dear friend he became. And I joined a divorce support group. 

Enter next contestant please, and let me pre-empt this with,"Divorce support groups are meat markets" ! I found this "Meet-Up", It was starting soon nearby and was on a night when my kids had weekly dinner with their dad, perfect!!! Well,  I was the youngest female by 20 years and there were about 10 men in my age range, this was a great esteem boost after being left for someone nearly half my age after 17 years and 4 kids, but then calls began (all our numbers were on a call list, STUPID in retrospect!!) I started "dating " a gentleman from the group.  We had so much in common.... I had 4 sons , he had 4 sons, I recently moved from NY, He recently moved from NY, I love wine, He loved wine ....you get the picture? We went to lots of festivities that centered around our mutual likes, photography meet-ups to Wine Events and such. And then, one evening, over a lovely dinner, he started talking about his Ex wife, Mr. Divorce Support Guy actually said," she was always too tired to give me the attention he needed"....... {silence}....... I asked "Whatever do you mean?"  He replied " Oh, I dont know, but when I got home from work shes always all frazzled, kids running everywhere and dinner not done, I wanted to spend time with her and shes always dealing with the boys, and she just wanted help, I wanted sex and she wanted help " {Silence} Did I mention he had 6 year old Autistic twins? that was in addition to the "moody"13 year old and the "cranky" little one. (his descriptions not mine) I bet she wanted help, Im sure she was frazzled , What the fuck dude ???  Well, it was at that time I suggested he leave, and as he started whining to me "why??" I vaguely remember screaming something to the effect of this..... "HAVE YOU NOT MET ME?? HAVE YOU NOT SAT THROUGH COUNTLESS GROUPS WERE I CRIED ABOUT MY EX SAYING THOSE EXACT THINGS?? OH MY GOD YOU ARE HIM, JUST 5 INCHES TALLER, AND EVEN NEEDIER!! YOU DONT WANT A PARTNER, YOU WANT A SINGLE WHORE AND A NANNY, AND SINCE I AM NEITHER..... GOODNIGHT !!" I never saw him again, but he did mail me a very sappy letter that explained his neediness, and asked for another chance. I was not amused and did not reply.

Enter Contestant #3. A man my family knew, a man who called my mother, stepdad and brother to ask  for permission, and if I was even ready for a relationship. The dating was insane, I never really "dated" anyone until #3 and it was amazing!! We spent time time together , alone, with my kids, my kids adored him, he did so many of the right things it was easy to ignore the the red flags that were blowing right under my nose. I married this man , I honestly believed I loved him and that it was meant to be , but on our wedding day I knew I was making a mistake, a GINORMOUS mistake. There was just this part of me that wanted that perfect picture so bad that I thought I could "Make" it happen against all the unfavorable cards,  i tried so hard, and I think he did as well, but having no children, and his previous marriage 20 years prior lasting less than a year, were just 2 more flashing neon signs i had knowingly unplugged, and that marriage fell to its untimely demise just one year and one week after it began. I am now faced with a two year separation and a man I cant locate to sign divorce papers.

All this out in the open , I am positive why being Quirkyalone is working for me, If it is meant to be , it will happen, if a man truly wants to know me he will make an effort to do so, and if i dont scare the shit out of him, It could be Amazingly Fun!!

In the meantime, I am who I am. My kids are the center of my world . When I have downtime without them I walk the fine line between overextending myself with friends, and activities, and  braless SVU marathons eating peanut butter out of a jar with pretzels in bed all weekend.

So here is my Shout Out to Miss Sasha Cagen, the wonderful Chick who coined the phrase "Quirkyalone", Thank you for giving me my own special little stereotype!!!