Seek Knock Ask....

I

Are you ever at a Crossroads and Honestly don't know how to read the sign? I think I am there, I get my Red shoes on and start running down this road, not fearful of the changes and decisions I am making, and determined by what I am doing, and where I am being lead, only to be confused by the freaking signs?? Well....How do you know what to do? I read something that said you shouldn't make ANY life altering decisions unless you have given the process at least 3 months. 3 months of thought, prayer, therapy, you pick , but 3 months to process. Well, I thought my processing was done. I have begun the rebuilding of Sarah, and The boys.... So now what? This is where Faith steps in and challenges me, this is where the confusion sets in, If i follow the Word on Marriage, and I am the only one, what does that look like? For me/ for my sons? I don't believe I can put faith in a man who doesn't have faith in himself. Is that wrong? If you build someone up for all the days and years you are together, but he still resides so far in his past that he wont or cant receive it, where does that put us?

I want so much to believe in people and their ability to do right, and yet I am so sick and tired of people staying in what holds them down, because its easier to be unhappy and falsely feed your ego, than deal with, confront and be the person God has intended you to be. So now after starting down the "Road to Recovery" Is there a reason to look back, and how bright must that "sign" be to make me stray from the path I am on? Here is Matthew 7:7
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.

Well I did just that, and that is what has lead me to where I am right now, so Do I stop, take a stand, and do it again? What if I am on the road I need to be, then what? Will I continue to be lead this way, I mean I guess I would.... Well my rambling is hitting an all time high, so I will end this, but when is enough enough?? and how do you trust yourself with decisions to be made when the past decisions we have made have not always been that great??

Craving Closeness.....

At what point are we OK enough that we can just be alone? And If God intended for me to be alone.... Well he didn't , so I wont even go there, (We all know know that God saw Adam Lonely and Created Eve for him to have a companion, so he was not LONELY....) And if that is not your belief, find in your beliefs equally substantiated evidence.

I guess what I am wondering  is? Am I lonely or am I Craving a Closeness? I have had the good and the bad, and all the in between in relationships, I have lost myself  so much I didn't recognize myself in the end.I don't ever want to be that Woman again.  So, How can I have it all? How can I be strong my own convictions, and stand for what is right and solid in MY life, AND compromise (which by the way means "jointly promise" I found that interesting, I always thought it to mean "to settle") to what it now takes to be in a relationship?

 I am aware that I am wild and Crazy, I know I have baggage out the wazoo, but that's me, I don't want that to change, (well maybe the baggage,I am working on that) but as I write and read I sound like a selfish little bitch. So what does it take? I mean is there really a man for every woman and woman for every man, who loves unconditionally , accepts without judging , blah blah blah???

Here I am, conflicted, wearing out my knees praying, and I guess waiting and "sitting in it " is where I am suppose to be. Is that faith? is that Complacency? Laziness? Ever feel like you are screaming at the top of your lungs and nothing is coming out? I'm there, and tired of it.  What do I do? Can I draw a line in the sand, and never look back, I joke about what some people will do, or change for another person, and I know in my life there are things I would ask people to change for me. (not their name , or hair color, or drop 100 pounds, did I really say that??) But I would ask people to change their ways, no one is gonna be equip to deal with my life and if he is a man who has enough kids to understand, why did he leave them??? I have become so Jaded, and hardened because of stupid shit circumstances in my life, I am terrified of doing it again....So here lets start with "remarriage" this is what is said.....

 Position 4: Divorce - Remarriage 
Divorce, though not God's desire, is also not the unforgivable sin. Regardless of the circumstances, all divorced persons who have repented, should be forgiven and allowed to remarry.

 but with that said....Read on....

Position 1: No Divorce 

Marriage is a covenant agreement, meant for life, therefore it must not be broken under any circumstance; remarriage further violates the covenant and therefore is not permissible.

So now where am I? Granted the ability to move on after being divorced the first time, to now be in a situation that has dysfunction, but love! Where the first marriage had EVERYTHING under the sun and NO LOVE and could make a Trashy Beach novel seem boring!!! What do I do? As a believer, I feel convicted to try, and as a Woman who has been through enough shit, and doesn't want to go through anymore, I am ready to walk..... There is that screaming again...Did you hear it??

Sarah and the Beasts VS. Commercialism and Conformity

Well It was a little over a week ago I was Crying in my Cheerios over wanting change in my family, and the made the decision to CHANGE it up, and I have ,and its working, and I didnt go all Psycho on them, I didnt remove all technology, I started with me!! I invested my time into them in the evening and gave "Social Sarah" a break, So as much as the tiny beasts ask to have my friends around all the time,what my dumb ass didnt get, was that when people come over, my focus shifts, I cook more, I drink some wine, I dont push bedtime, and they basically do whatever they want....Go figure!!! So This week No more, or at least EVERY NIGHT!!!

Second thing...No Video Games during the week, Duh??? Engaged them in "DOING" things instead, Eli rode his bike while I did 5 miles every day we were home, we made detective scenarios out of our adventure. We did things that I always did as a married mom, but allowed my  Crap to get in the way as Single mom, So I am Actively working on my "plank" and I am feeling so much lighter, and less stressed!!

So its Sunday Morning, we have  a Jam Packed day ahead of us, and I am sitting on the couch sipping coffee, color on my hair laundry going, watching Myth Busters with Max and Eli while they build and rebuild Marshmallow PVC shooters, and I am reminded, that its the little things, that are actually the big things, that I am Blessed beyond belief, and all in all,  One amazingly Happy, and Satisfied Chickie!!!

So Happy Earth Day People, and today, Praise God, Love your Family, and Protect our Earth!!


***** Side note, 2.3 more pounds!!! YAY ME!!!

WINNING!!!!!!!

I am Feeling like I am having a Banner week, I started this new way of eating and living lifestyle, and I am kinda loving it, I really thought I would miss the wine, but so far so good,Now  I havent been in a social setting, but as far as my evening ritual.....I OWN IT NOW!!!!! Even yesterday when I got home hours early, I didnt cheat, and I walked 5 more miles!!!

Enough of that though, I read a quote today that made me go hmmmmmmm? It said"Let go or be dragged" I have taken this to heart in EVERY realm of my life since I read it, and this is my next "Change" to make happen. I have the new kid routine in full swing, and after only 10 days, its awesome. I could kick myself for being scared and NOT doing anything before now!!! I got my lifestyle "wants" in order. So now on to all the pretty "Little Loose  Ends" that complicate MY LIFE!!!! And to you all I say, Step up or give up!!! I wont judge either way. Be the person God intended you to be, I can live with that, but not the manipulation!!!

   Seriously, that is where my little Quote (UP THERE)comes in today, It is so true, and there are a few loose ends that I really need to consider with, I am being "dragged " by these relationships? ......Dragged down, Dragged along, Dragged with and all the while I am allowing myself to be dragged. What in the world am I doing?? What kind of example am I being for my sons?? You know that saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"?? Well hello Sarah, are you insane?As found in Websters....and I quote" They say that the definition of insanity is continuing to do the samething but expecting to get different results."    

So, I ask myself, "Self, are going to let these people continue to  walk on you, drag you along, drag you down, be a reason to flame out"?? Oh NO HELL NO!!!( a saying from one of the above mentioned) 


******* Interruption.....patient just walks in(yes, I blog at work, its the only time I can!!LOL) I ask "What happened? you are 2 hours late", He very sweetly tells me...."you see, I accidentally knocked out one of the staff, at my group home"....As you can imagine, I was like...Accidentally?"Yes Ms. Sarah, she walked right in front of my fist, It was amazing" and that would be my job in a nutshell, in"Crazytown"




Ok, back to life , Well I've decided  I am gonna "trim the fat", "weed the garden" or whatever other little sayings you use to rid my Crazy life of any UNNEEDED Craziness, God knows I have PLENTY of my own Here in Crazytown!!! 


******Also..... I weighed myself today, I have lost 5.4 pounds..... YAY!!!!

Day one Success!!

Well..... I made it through day 1.... I learned its really Freakin' hard to drink a Gallon of water and its odd to eat throughout the day...Oh and drinking that much , Ya Pee ALOT!!! So Food wise I followed to a tee here goes

Breakfast-
1/2 cup of cottage cheese with 1 &1/2 tbsp of oat bran
coffee with shim milk
2 fried eggs
Snack-
4 steamed shrimp
lunch-
a grilled chicken breast
1/2 cup of cottage cheese
snack-
5 shrimp
Dinner-
flank steak
cottage cheese

I had 2 cups of Green tea and a glass of crystal light, and then my Gallon of water
Sarah H. and I walked for 45 minutes , and then she did my measurements, our as is the same!!! I love my wifey <3
Shoulders 40
arm 12.5
calve 17
thigh 23.5
butt 44
waist 35
bust 40.5

Sad Sad Sad!!!! But I am doing something about it!! and thats what matters to me, so there is the down and dirty, The Beasts just arrived, and its time to snuggle!!!I am only gonna update this on Tuesdays..... Wish me Luck !!

Dukan Dieting..... Round One!!!

Well, I am committing to shaving this Mommas body down to a thinner version !! In the past few years the weight has made a home for itself on my body, and I am SICK OF IT!!! I LIKE small boobs.... this DD bull shit, is RIDICULOUS!! and being "small boned" has its advantages, because you can stuff the fat into clothes, but watch out when the clothes come off, or when you want to trek to the beach with the kids and they want to play ball with you!!! There isnt one thing that is flattering about running on the beach this size, and i dont have disillusioned "bo derek" style running, just some fun!!!

So here goes, I just got the book, I like that what i think I should weigh he immediately tells me is irrational at my age and the amount of kids I have birthed, and then given my lowest and highest weights, so the first phase is ATTACK!!! Grrrrr!!! and I started this morning, easy so far, I had to eat which was the hardest thing, the tough part is NO wine :-( ....The no chips, when i crave chips and salsa will suck as well but my major downfall is a glass or two of RED at night.... so I will be using this blog to track and keep myself accountable!!!

Planks and Specks, and losing this fat ass!!!

Matthew 7;4 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

---

Matthew 7;5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.


Have been totally praying and working on my "plank" for the last 24 hours, I mean my rant last week was about me creating change , it is also about me removing my plank, Now I have identified it, I can work on it, So if I am a bit removed, ya'll know where I am.....

Last night went amazingly well when the kiddos got home home from the Exs , we had no TV, No video games, and instead we played cards, grilled dinner and built a new patio table.... Win for Mom!!! I didnt yell, (much) Max always refuses to be upstairs alone, and after a 5 day of no bathing at his dads.....there isnt even a question, YUCK!!!

This Morning was ok, and we all made it to our proper destinations on time, But tomorrow I will be starting a 24 day challenge , which entails NO COFFEE..... WTF am I thinking? But I am gonna do it, I am a solid 35 pounds heavier than 3 summers ago, ok maybe 2 summers, and that is bad.... I am a sexy Momma, and I want my inside to match my outside, and this weight is making me feel ugly, so...... Im gonna take it off, for real!!! I will update, and maybe if I am brave enough post before and after.... dont know about that....

So that is me today working on a better me inside and out!!!

Fast Forward.......04/12/2012

You know how people say alot can happen in the "blink of an eye" Well damn if thats not the crazy truth!! Since I last posted I am separated, been attacked by a dog, moved twice, Embraced single motherhood...again, developed some phenomenal friendships, Turned 40, Have been on High School auditions with a then 13 year old now have a rising 9th grader going to a Performing arts High school, and on and on and on.......

So Today I am am thoroughly perplexed.... When is Enough, Enough? Do any of you ever sit back and ask yourself that? I am just coming off 7 days with the tiny beasts, and we had an amazing time, real time, quality time.... Yes we were at the ocean, and yes it was amazing, BUT, we were together, all of us, sun up to sun down, in a condo a 1/4 size of our home and it was GREAT!! we talked, we spent time with one another, because we wanted to, we laughed, we were silly, we slept in , and yeah I know "Well Sarah ...It was vacation" But we got it "back to Good". So someone please tell me why do we choose to live on the Hamster wheel of life?? Why do I have my kids in "specialty schools" as of 3rd grade? why ?? Why do my kids have cell phones?? why is there a gaming system attached to each tv in our home?? why is there a tv in every room?? WHY WHY WHY??? What have I done? and if I revert do I damage them even more? I know times are different, I know its not 1985 , I know i overindulge out of guilt, but Damn, when does it end?

Well I will tell you when it ends..... NOW, I am going to make the changes I need to make to create the loving environment for my children to flourish..... How??? who the heck knows, but the youth of today are spoiled, overindulged, bratty, smarter than they need to be about things they really have no business knowing, and We are so busy as a society trying to "keep up with the Jones" that we have allowed our families to go to crap, who teaches Love ?? who teaches kindness? Sure we can  learn those foundations at Church and at home, but  if home consists of constant running,a single mom, slack ass dad, and "mid life crisis'" waiting to happen, when are we finding time to teach the basic foundation laying principles?

 I know its up to me, and I will get it back, in the midst of a 40 plus hour a week job, and single motherhood, a couple crazy ex husbands, and some really crazy tiny beasts......I will do it, and I can do it....Hell I want to do it!!! So watch me , learn from my failures, cheer me on toward my success and PLEASE tell me when there is something so obvious, yet I cant see it that could help me, They say it "takes a village" to raise a child, I want to be a part of that.