Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone

Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone: 1.  quirkyalone "Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right p...

Quirkyalone

1. quirkyalone

"Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility. Also adj.: The condition of being equally at home with singledom and being in a healthy relationship, undivided, whole. Of, relating to, or embodying quirkyalones."

It has come to my attention that I have become a "Quirkyalone", and I think I am absolutely fine with it, embracing it, gravitating toward it, maybe even loving it. Its not that I wouldn't love to share and spend my life with someone, No, just the opposite. I just believe that when you (as a woman) raise kids, run a home, take care of what ever crosses your path, a man finds it very hard to see where he could play a role in that life. With that said, why aimlessly date and hope it works? 

I read a Blog today, one of my Favorites, SDL. The title was "Girlfriends are meant to be Dumped". Now don't read into it, look up Dan Pearce and read his Blog, he had some very interesting things said and one really resonated with me 

"You are so complex. You have beliefs, and politics, and quirks, and weaknesses, and strengths, and goals, and loves, and hates, and baggage, and hope, and everything else that makes you who you are. To find someone who will fit into all of that for the rest of your life? Like I said, it could take a while -" Dan Pearce

I read those words and was like A-Ha!! You are so right !! We in our disposable society seem to think the alone time between relationships is similar to a flight holding pattern, knowing that at any moment its lift off time again. I was totally guilty of that when my first husband and I split. I was online looking for... something... within months. I hadnt  been without a partner in 17 years, I didnt know what to do with myself when my kids were away, my girlfriends werent close in proximity and I was new to Virginia. Well, I went on ONE date from that online adventure. It was Great, we had an amazing evening and to this day he is one of my very dearest friends, My go to guy, virtually a part of my family, but upon meeting him, I knew undeniably I was NO where near ready for a relationship, So a dear friend he became. And I joined a divorce support group. 

Enter next contestant please, and let me pre-empt this with,"Divorce support groups are meat markets" ! I found this "Meet-Up", It was starting soon nearby and was on a night when my kids had weekly dinner with their dad, perfect!!! Well,  I was the youngest female by 20 years and there were about 10 men in my age range, this was a great esteem boost after being left for someone nearly half my age after 17 years and 4 kids, but then calls began (all our numbers were on a call list, STUPID in retrospect!!) I started "dating " a gentleman from the group.  We had so much in common.... I had 4 sons , he had 4 sons, I recently moved from NY, He recently moved from NY, I love wine, He loved wine ....you get the picture? We went to lots of festivities that centered around our mutual likes, photography meet-ups to Wine Events and such. And then, one evening, over a lovely dinner, he started talking about his Ex wife, Mr. Divorce Support Guy actually said," she was always too tired to give me the attention he needed"....... {silence}....... I asked "Whatever do you mean?"  He replied " Oh, I dont know, but when I got home from work shes always all frazzled, kids running everywhere and dinner not done, I wanted to spend time with her and shes always dealing with the boys, and she just wanted help, I wanted sex and she wanted help " {Silence} Did I mention he had 6 year old Autistic twins? that was in addition to the "moody"13 year old and the "cranky" little one. (his descriptions not mine) I bet she wanted help, Im sure she was frazzled , What the fuck dude ???  Well, it was at that time I suggested he leave, and as he started whining to me "why??" I vaguely remember screaming something to the effect of this..... "HAVE YOU NOT MET ME?? HAVE YOU NOT SAT THROUGH COUNTLESS GROUPS WERE I CRIED ABOUT MY EX SAYING THOSE EXACT THINGS?? OH MY GOD YOU ARE HIM, JUST 5 INCHES TALLER, AND EVEN NEEDIER!! YOU DONT WANT A PARTNER, YOU WANT A SINGLE WHORE AND A NANNY, AND SINCE I AM NEITHER..... GOODNIGHT !!" I never saw him again, but he did mail me a very sappy letter that explained his neediness, and asked for another chance. I was not amused and did not reply.

Enter Contestant #3. A man my family knew, a man who called my mother, stepdad and brother to ask  for permission, and if I was even ready for a relationship. The dating was insane, I never really "dated" anyone until #3 and it was amazing!! We spent time time together , alone, with my kids, my kids adored him, he did so many of the right things it was easy to ignore the the red flags that were blowing right under my nose. I married this man , I honestly believed I loved him and that it was meant to be , but on our wedding day I knew I was making a mistake, a GINORMOUS mistake. There was just this part of me that wanted that perfect picture so bad that I thought I could "Make" it happen against all the unfavorable cards,  i tried so hard, and I think he did as well, but having no children, and his previous marriage 20 years prior lasting less than a year, were just 2 more flashing neon signs i had knowingly unplugged, and that marriage fell to its untimely demise just one year and one week after it began. I am now faced with a two year separation and a man I cant locate to sign divorce papers.

All this out in the open , I am positive why being Quirkyalone is working for me, If it is meant to be , it will happen, if a man truly wants to know me he will make an effort to do so, and if i dont scare the shit out of him, It could be Amazingly Fun!!

In the meantime, I am who I am. My kids are the center of my world . When I have downtime without them I walk the fine line between overextending myself with friends, and activities, and  braless SVU marathons eating peanut butter out of a jar with pretzels in bed all weekend.

So here is my Shout Out to Miss Sasha Cagen, the wonderful Chick who coined the phrase "Quirkyalone", Thank you for giving me my own special little stereotype!!!

Oh For the Love of God!!!! Just answer my FREAKING Question!!!!

Rant Rant Rant !!!!!! If you aren't in to reading a rant that is purely all frustration and that should just be " Let Go Of", I suggest you close this page NOW........

You still here? Well don't comment negatively, I did warn you!! ''

Have you ever asked a simple question, a question that in all rights you were more than entitled to the answer, and yet get passive aggressive, evasive answers? For those of you dealing with an Ex, I am sure from time to time you have had to ask a question and basically need to spell it out to get the reply you need, deserve, want, request, or require. WHY< WHY< WHY?? Please tell me why!!!

 If a custodial parent is asking a noncustodial parent for a work address and work phone number, Do you ask why? and if N.C parent is given an answer of " I am filling out  school forms and I don't have it" Why do I get.... "Well, Why do they need it?" Should I retreat and just leave it blank? Well if I do, when Said parent misses something they blame ME for not notifying them..... Oy Vey!! Really?? You wouldnt give your information!!! Welcome to "Sarahs life 101" !!

Recently I gained knowledge that my ex had lost his job, I have no interest in the how or whys, my concern is for my boys. I have physically stayed in the area that we lived in when we were married to keep the boys in the school system that they were established in. Now its not 90210 or anything but the cost of living is higher here than some other areas of Richmond.  I didn't do it because I love Suburgatory, I did it because it was what was best for my kids. With that said, Every cent I make goes toward bills to live here and the Child support received, is added to that amount, My kids are involved in everything they can be , That takes $$, So I juggle here and there and figure it out, Field Trips, Improv clubs, Drivers Ed fees, Summer Classes, countless trips back and forth to their specialty schools that are not near by, then there are Homecomings, there are track meets, there are birthday parties and the bizarre fact that the beasts wont stop growing!!!! Do you know what jeans cost when your child is 26X34 and there are only a handful of stores you can even purchase them in ??? Well I'll tell you...A LOT!! Now I could tell my kids NO, I could deny them entrance into the Specialty Programs they've worked so hard to get in to, have them ride "Normal " buses that don't involve me at 6:00 am and 4:45-6:00 pm driving and picking up, I could work a 8-5 job that pays better, but gives no flexibility to be there for the kids, and tell them to " Suck it Up", but I don't believe that is fair, I don't believe my kids should be denied because their parents made some shitty decisions that landed them in this scenario.

So I work my Crazy job, that allows me to come in at 9 or 9:08 so I can see my 10 year old off on the bus, and it allows me to work through lunch and leave at 4:30 to pick up from practices, or leave for an hour in the middle of our Clinic hours on a Thursday to catch a Track meet so that my son knows how proud I am of him, It allows me to stay home with a sick kid , or take a group to DC for a special Day (only once in 3 years) but still, they know In all aspects I am "It"! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't get paid when I have to run kids, I am an hourly employee, So when there is a need on their behalf and  i jump. We also don't get help at 5 am running kids to shuttle buses , there isn't any help at 10 on a Monday when a ride is needed home from the Comedy Sportz Club, there isn't any help from cross country practice every afternoon, No, Its just me and the beasts, and we manage pretty Damn well if I say so myself.

So.....With all that said, why oh why, when I ask the question " Will there be any changes in Child support or the dates of disbursement" do I have to get get answers  such as......

"Why would there be?"...... Well because there is a lag time when the state has to set up to pull from a new job, and they do that  because you were such a deadbeat that the courts ordered it be deducted directly from your check, do I need to go on??

I guess if I were the N.C ( his choice BTW) I would be at ease knowing someone had the interests of my kids before their own, that i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my sons were doing great because #1 they ARE great, and #2 they have a parent who supports them in everything they do, and I wouldn't do anything to be a obstacle in the already chaotic situation. Thats just me I guess, Thats not the "norm" i guess, and thats what I have to deal with. So for now I will just "Go with It", and pray that all works out. I will give this nagging worry NO MORE energy, and if any of you reading this can get a glimpse into the life of a single mom and it shines a light on your own behavior and prompts even one person to try and make a teeny tiny change, well than I made a little difference in this entirely fucked up world.

Thanks for indulging me, Have a great Monday night, this Momma needs to pick up a kid!!

Manic Mondays, Wasted Weekends !!

Once again I am blessed enough to live and see another Monday, and for as many Sunday to Monday transitions I have survived , I haven't learned that I cant "Will" the weekend to extend no matter how hard I try and adding hours to Sunday evening, Well  that only makes Monday Mornings even tougher. Teen Beast felt the need to emulate my notion of keeping the weekend alive last night and played  FIFA 2014 way too late, The other two were so beat up by the weekend they didn't mind calling a day a day, but why is it that we don't live all days as happy as we are on the weekends?

Is it because we are rushed, overwhelmed, over extended and we feel as though our obligation to work or school wastes the time that we would generally squander anyway if it were the weekend? Think about it. What I do makes some difference to someone, even with as boring and mundane as the majority of my job life is, but If I don't do it, a domino effect of chaos would ensue. If Teen beast doesn't love the schooling he receives, I begin to question why I invest the time I do to support what I imagine is his love of the arts.

When I think about what is so great about the weekends and try to incorporate it into the daily grind what I really see is that we love the weekend because we crave laziness. Thats sorta scary!!!  In our wild and crazy day to day ,  all the things we are Passionate about are happening, Whether its Drama and the Arts, Running Cross Country, Cooking and Baking, or just snuggling with a kid and a book at the end of a long day. We don't engage in that when the weekend comes. No, instead we stay in our PJ's, waste the day playing video games, watching trashy TV, and pretend to "make a plan" all day, only to order take out, and continue our Slugfest.

When My kids are with their Dad for the weekend I tend to try and make the most of my time, whether its Catching up with Friends, cleaning house , doing laundry, or events that are not kid friendly or kid appropriate, it is then I  feel my spent time was "Weekend Worthy".All this isn't to say that downtime isn't important or necessary, But I honestly feel that if I lived everyday with the notion that EVERYDAY is Amazing, whether it involves carpools or cocktails.Then maybe, just maybe every Sunday night wouldnt consist of wishing for "One more " day to my weekend . Instead I could honestly treasure the time at hand. Today is Day one! Here we go with this ........

I will ask myself  "if today was Saturday what would I do that I feel I am missing out on ?" My answer on this AMAZINGLY beautiful day, I would cookout and invite dinner guests, So I will!!! Make it a Great day people, Its already half over, and you will never get it back!!!!

Welcome to Crazy Town: Seriously? Are you really that happy?

Welcome to Crazy Town: Seriously? Are you really that happy?: Yes, Yes I am this happy!! Why is it so hard in life for people to be happy, and accept that even in the midst of diversity, you can find ...

Seriously? Are you really that happy?

Yes, Yes I am this happy!! Why is it so hard in life for people to be happy, and accept that even in the midst of diversity, you can find peace and be Happy ?  Really I need some answers, my curiosity meter is off the hook!! This is beyond my comprehension! Why are some people choosing to be negative and unhappy?

If you know me, you know the smile on my face is pretty genuine. Honestly I try to " Not Sweat the Small Stuff" or even the BIG stuff for that matter,  it doesn't do me any good, why not just " Let it Go" ? Thats not to say I don't worry, but I don't notify everyone I know about my crazy thoughts. What fun is that? If someone sat me down today and asked me what I my biggest gripes were, they would probably be really surprised, It wouldn't include my "rantables" that i through out on Facebook or even what I bitch about in Blogs. The stuff that truly saddens me Is sad, and I reserve it.

So why is it that some people feel the need to relive their bullshit and baggage daily? Why if you are healthy, you are employed, your kids are healthy, vibrant, excelling, you have food in you cabinets, more than enough money in the bank, people around you who love and support you, would you continue to focus on "A" negative aspect in your life? Focus To the point that it makes you physically ill ? I cant imagine why one would chose to wake up everyday and make a conscious decision to be anything other than happy.

With that being said, I do understand some people having Mentally Illness, being clinically depressed, Bi Polar, or so forth, and they cant "Be Happy" without some mental health intervention.I GET THAT!!Not the case on point. Case in Point involves a scorned woman who is looking for a Man to swoop in solve all her problems, raise her kids, and financially rescue her from dealing with an Ex who is less than desirable to deal with!! WAKE THE FUCK UP HONEY!!!! NO MAN WANTS THAT KIND OF BAGGAGE!!!

So here I am , the friend who was just cried AT and screamed AT for an hour, because no one understands how hard it is to be " A single mom with three boys and a narcissistic ex husband" ummmmm??? Well yes, yes I do! "Well you don't have an ADHD child who dominates yours and your families time and energy" why yes, yes i do, " Well you didn't have a judge that couldn't see through your exes lies" Hmmmmm ??? why yes, yes I did......... and that's when you have to pull the "My phone is almost dead card" and 3 minutes, 3 long minutes later, you disconnect.

Happiness, Happiness people, BE FUCKING HAPPY!! If you are reading this, you have a computer or phone that allows you access to the internet, that makes you among the the top 34% of people in the world!!! Yipee!!! Did you have coffee this morning? you are among the 61% of people worldwide who have access to clean water!!! WooHoo!!!Yeah, yeah, I know, in the grand scheme of car pools and scooping kitty liter, planning weekly grocery lists, dealing with Exes, dealing with kids, parenting, budgeting, all the day to day mundane bullshit sometimes we don't let these things register, but maybe we should!!

Six and a half years ago I thought I was living the dream, big house, new cars every few years , vacations, nannies, unlimited everything I could ever Want, and in the blink of an eye everything changed, and it sucked, and it hurt, but life goes fucking on !!  Soon I learned why all those material things made up my  "life", My eyes were opened to the lack of joy and happiness,My eyes are opened to the void that I filled with material things, and I reassessed , I regrouped, I put on My big girl panties and showed the world what I got!!  I got Happy!! And No One will take that from me, its mine. Yeah I complain, I bitch, and then  I get over it.

Look I am NO poster child for perfection by any means!! But the way I see it,We get this tiny  speck of time on this earth and WE get to choose what WE do with it, and if things happen that are out of our control WE get to decide how WE react to it.Why not choose to be happy?

I don't have a bazillion readers or anything, but the handful that do read this, Be Happy, Please !!! Being Happy makes this fucked up world a much better place. Smile at people, encourage people, talk to people, help people, Show your happiness, Share your happiness, and if someone is constantly negative and constantly and willfully unhappy, be careful, don't get sucked in. And always, ALWAYS remember..... Don't let anyone EVER dull your Sparkle!!

Boundaries and Heartbreak

Hey Fellow parents, any of you dealing with grown children who are trying to figure life out? ( I mean we all are are to an extent) but seriously, Grown Children who think every idea is the best yet? I have a  child who chose the road not traveled at all and is constantly frustrated and questioning why life is hard as hell?

As a Mom I want to fix things and in his life the situations are not ones that are fixable by anyone other than the said child. Well talk about defeat, talk about heartbreak, I don't want anyone to struggle, hell i do enough of that for our whole clan, but I am also teetering on how to proceed. I guess he wont ever fly on his own if i keep his wings clipped and try to smooth over every situation, but then there is the guilt, and the and the feelings of failure as a parent that creep in, those nasty enabling habits that are so hard to break, and ultimately have probably led him to where we are now, but this isn't a kid who ever made things easy for himself, he has always tested every situation to the brink of explosion for all involved, which has ultimately pushed people away. I am the last on standing, I can no longer help him financially, and shouldn't, but i worry to death over him not having a steady job, an apt.. of his own, a car, (since he sold the one that was bought for him last year) I know he is 22, I know he is fully capable, so what is the problem?

Bottom you say? He needs to hit bottom.... Oh he has hit bottom, yeah hes been there, Jail, Homeless, you name it, but with a little help got himself in a good position, and things were looking up until the next wild hair , and we are off and running again. I am not saying my kids need to be superstar success stories, but self sufficient would be Flipping Fantastic!!

I feel like my parents in the way that I relay things to him....." When I was you age I had you, worked 3 jobs and figured shit out!!! When I didnt pay my phone bill, guess what? Yup, NO PHONE, Lights ?? they needed to be paid to be on, I didnt love the Resort Town work that I did, but I sure as hell did it, Busted my ass in the busy season and saved for the slow seasons, Made a babysitting Co-Op so all us young moms could network and not get screwed without coverage, as 20 somethings we all worked our asses off.

What as a mom am I to do ? I am concerned, I am worried (dont laugh) I am saddened, that he isnt ever going to get it together, and that he will always feel as though there is always something better, never satisfied, Is that just how some people are? When do we as parents just step back and throw our hands in the air?

Worrier Vs. Warrior

I am a worrier , its just who I am. I worry about the silliest and most irrelevant things, along side the real stuff that comes with being a parent. I have noticed over the last six years that broken families are more the norm than not these days and being the "Custodial Parent" has lead me to be even more the worrier.

*Kid with a cough, Is it Pneumonia again?
*Kid with a rash , Scarlet Fever?
*Kid riding with friends, will he remember his sealtbelt? Will he be safe?
*Kid trying out for something new, Will he be ok if he doesnt get it?
*Will I make it to all the pick up spots today on time?
*Can I get to every meet ? Will he be upset if I cant?
*Am I giving them every experience I can , will they be well rounded ?

I could go on and on, but it just shows my craziness so I will stop. What I am getting to is hard to articulate. I would never change the custody I have, but I want to know how it is that a parent can be so removed from their children that all the worry falls on to the parent who chose to still be a parent when a marriage falls apart?

Last night I held my phone waiting for Tiny Beast #2 (Who is not so tiny anymore) to check in every time he got to a destination, he called or texted each time, as he promised, but as the night went on and i got sleepy waiting for the final destination call it dawned on me that as a parent I will worry, because I care and I carry my kids in my heart every moment and everywhere i exist, and I need to channel all that worry into being a Momma Warrior !!

I made the the decision to allow the kiddo in the car with friends, its a part of him extending his wings, he is an AWESOME kid , he makes decent decisions, he followed protocol and he is ok .So,  Its either allow them to fly, set protocols and stick by them or remove ourselves from society, and where sometimes I think that would be an exciting adventure, going off grid is not an option. (per my beasts)

So as We embark on a new week, a week where there is a half day to figure out, 4 Cross country practices to pick up from, 3 play rehearsals to figure out transportation , and Beast #2 has an audition at an improv club. You know what? I can do it!! I can do it because I am a BAD ASS , Im a Warrior, and because at the end of the day the results are the same whether I worried or not,  It does me no good and it sucks the life out of what is right in front of me,

As far as being a removed parent who doesnt worry because they are to self absorbed to even think about what is happening in their children lives, i used to be kind of jealous of the quiet you must have in your mind without all the worry floating around, but now I just feel pity for you, You miss out, you miss out on a sons first night out with friends, you miss out on a hilarious trip to the ER and the story of a nurse teasing your son about scratching his "parts" , not because you arent here, but because you chose not to be a part of your kids lives .

Single parents, try not to worry this week, channel it into magnifying all the kick ass things that make you a Warrior!!!

I am Woman Hear Me Roar !!!

As my babes started school yesterday I came to realize that this past year had been a major accomplishment that I had achieved all on my own. It was liberating, empowering, it was beautiful and I am proud. Over  the past few years  I had come to rely on significant others, (even with as insignificant as they were) My Mom and Step-Dad, and friends for physical hands on help, whether transporting kids or being an available body while I had any combination of the others somewhere else, but after weeding my "Man" garden last summer, and My lovely Mother and Fabulous Step Dad relocating to North Carolina last September, my resources sort of collapsed in that department, and I had to regroup, put my Big Girl Panties on and figure it out!! It opened my eyes to a culture of Moms that show strength, without ever asking for validation, or to have their egos stroked, and that is because we are Strong, That is because We Persevere, That is because we are Women!

In the past five years I have gone through and watched a plethora of my women friends go through divorce, and with the exception of one, it was initiated or caused by a mans failure to stay committed when faced with boredom, personal failure, self esteem issues, intimacy issues ,addiction issues, infidelity issues, job issues unemployment issues, and on and on. Now I am not of the mind that two people got to those places "alone" but I am of the mind that it takes TWO willing parties to fix an issue, and commit to what they vowed to honor. What I have witnessed are Men in these situations become Weak Man Children and slink away rather than face that their woman is the stronger of the two, and would be and are willing to stand by them through diversity and work very hard to mend the broken.

To me, the men of days past are long gone, The "provider" who worked so his wife could stay home and raise kids, make the Home Happy, cook yummy dinners....Blah, Blah, Blah.... all gone, and the women are the ones who mixed up those roles, I am well aware of that. In the mixing of these roles however, the "Provider" role transferred to husband AND wife , while the kids and the house did NOT, thus making the woman the stronger in the dynamic, and led these said Man Children off to look for something to make them feel important. As a woman, as a nurturer we are programmed to raise and  protect our children, and the majority of us do that blind to the obvious that It has made us the Stronger of the two.

So as Moms, we raise kids, parent kids, set limits for kids, shuttle kids, care for kids, take time off work to be there for kids, cheer for kids , cry with kids , laugh with kids, get up at the ass crack of dawn for kids, we scream at kids, we punish kids, we listen to kids, we referee kids, we help kids, we teach kids, we do what ever it takes to get these babes ready to go into the world, and we didn't decide to do this one day all alone......No, we fell in love, we made babies, we watched these tiny humans grow into the people they are becoming,with our partner, and when your partner decides to be weak, and dip out because they cant man up to the responsibility they vowed to uphold, we will still do all that, while working, managing the money, the house, the carpools, the practices, our own friendships and relationships and we will do it with Grace. Because as women We Are Stronger, and We Are Braver.

I know this doesnt set the standard for all women or for all men, but in the scenes that have played out in my life and the lives of my friends, this is what has happened, all I can say to you ladies is Shine on !! Dont ever flame out for a man who thinks you Burn too Bright.