Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone

Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone: 1.  quirkyalone "Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right p...

Quirkyalone

1. quirkyalone

"Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility. Also adj.: The condition of being equally at home with singledom and being in a healthy relationship, undivided, whole. Of, relating to, or embodying quirkyalones."

It has come to my attention that I have become a "Quirkyalone", and I think I am absolutely fine with it, embracing it, gravitating toward it, maybe even loving it. Its not that I wouldn't love to share and spend my life with someone, No, just the opposite. I just believe that when you (as a woman) raise kids, run a home, take care of what ever crosses your path, a man finds it very hard to see where he could play a role in that life. With that said, why aimlessly date and hope it works? 

I read a Blog today, one of my Favorites, SDL. The title was "Girlfriends are meant to be Dumped". Now don't read into it, look up Dan Pearce and read his Blog, he had some very interesting things said and one really resonated with me 

"You are so complex. You have beliefs, and politics, and quirks, and weaknesses, and strengths, and goals, and loves, and hates, and baggage, and hope, and everything else that makes you who you are. To find someone who will fit into all of that for the rest of your life? Like I said, it could take a while -" Dan Pearce

I read those words and was like A-Ha!! You are so right !! We in our disposable society seem to think the alone time between relationships is similar to a flight holding pattern, knowing that at any moment its lift off time again. I was totally guilty of that when my first husband and I split. I was online looking for... something... within months. I hadnt  been without a partner in 17 years, I didnt know what to do with myself when my kids were away, my girlfriends werent close in proximity and I was new to Virginia. Well, I went on ONE date from that online adventure. It was Great, we had an amazing evening and to this day he is one of my very dearest friends, My go to guy, virtually a part of my family, but upon meeting him, I knew undeniably I was NO where near ready for a relationship, So a dear friend he became. And I joined a divorce support group. 

Enter next contestant please, and let me pre-empt this with,"Divorce support groups are meat markets" ! I found this "Meet-Up", It was starting soon nearby and was on a night when my kids had weekly dinner with their dad, perfect!!! Well,  I was the youngest female by 20 years and there were about 10 men in my age range, this was a great esteem boost after being left for someone nearly half my age after 17 years and 4 kids, but then calls began (all our numbers were on a call list, STUPID in retrospect!!) I started "dating " a gentleman from the group.  We had so much in common.... I had 4 sons , he had 4 sons, I recently moved from NY, He recently moved from NY, I love wine, He loved wine ....you get the picture? We went to lots of festivities that centered around our mutual likes, photography meet-ups to Wine Events and such. And then, one evening, over a lovely dinner, he started talking about his Ex wife, Mr. Divorce Support Guy actually said," she was always too tired to give me the attention he needed"....... {silence}....... I asked "Whatever do you mean?"  He replied " Oh, I dont know, but when I got home from work shes always all frazzled, kids running everywhere and dinner not done, I wanted to spend time with her and shes always dealing with the boys, and she just wanted help, I wanted sex and she wanted help " {Silence} Did I mention he had 6 year old Autistic twins? that was in addition to the "moody"13 year old and the "cranky" little one. (his descriptions not mine) I bet she wanted help, Im sure she was frazzled , What the fuck dude ???  Well, it was at that time I suggested he leave, and as he started whining to me "why??" I vaguely remember screaming something to the effect of this..... "HAVE YOU NOT MET ME?? HAVE YOU NOT SAT THROUGH COUNTLESS GROUPS WERE I CRIED ABOUT MY EX SAYING THOSE EXACT THINGS?? OH MY GOD YOU ARE HIM, JUST 5 INCHES TALLER, AND EVEN NEEDIER!! YOU DONT WANT A PARTNER, YOU WANT A SINGLE WHORE AND A NANNY, AND SINCE I AM NEITHER..... GOODNIGHT !!" I never saw him again, but he did mail me a very sappy letter that explained his neediness, and asked for another chance. I was not amused and did not reply.

Enter Contestant #3. A man my family knew, a man who called my mother, stepdad and brother to ask  for permission, and if I was even ready for a relationship. The dating was insane, I never really "dated" anyone until #3 and it was amazing!! We spent time time together , alone, with my kids, my kids adored him, he did so many of the right things it was easy to ignore the the red flags that were blowing right under my nose. I married this man , I honestly believed I loved him and that it was meant to be , but on our wedding day I knew I was making a mistake, a GINORMOUS mistake. There was just this part of me that wanted that perfect picture so bad that I thought I could "Make" it happen against all the unfavorable cards,  i tried so hard, and I think he did as well, but having no children, and his previous marriage 20 years prior lasting less than a year, were just 2 more flashing neon signs i had knowingly unplugged, and that marriage fell to its untimely demise just one year and one week after it began. I am now faced with a two year separation and a man I cant locate to sign divorce papers.

All this out in the open , I am positive why being Quirkyalone is working for me, If it is meant to be , it will happen, if a man truly wants to know me he will make an effort to do so, and if i dont scare the shit out of him, It could be Amazingly Fun!!

In the meantime, I am who I am. My kids are the center of my world . When I have downtime without them I walk the fine line between overextending myself with friends, and activities, and  braless SVU marathons eating peanut butter out of a jar with pretzels in bed all weekend.

So here is my Shout Out to Miss Sasha Cagen, the wonderful Chick who coined the phrase "Quirkyalone", Thank you for giving me my own special little stereotype!!!

Oh For the Love of God!!!! Just answer my FREAKING Question!!!!

Rant Rant Rant !!!!!! If you aren't in to reading a rant that is purely all frustration and that should just be " Let Go Of", I suggest you close this page NOW........

You still here? Well don't comment negatively, I did warn you!! ''

Have you ever asked a simple question, a question that in all rights you were more than entitled to the answer, and yet get passive aggressive, evasive answers? For those of you dealing with an Ex, I am sure from time to time you have had to ask a question and basically need to spell it out to get the reply you need, deserve, want, request, or require. WHY< WHY< WHY?? Please tell me why!!!

 If a custodial parent is asking a noncustodial parent for a work address and work phone number, Do you ask why? and if N.C parent is given an answer of " I am filling out  school forms and I don't have it" Why do I get.... "Well, Why do they need it?" Should I retreat and just leave it blank? Well if I do, when Said parent misses something they blame ME for not notifying them..... Oy Vey!! Really?? You wouldnt give your information!!! Welcome to "Sarahs life 101" !!

Recently I gained knowledge that my ex had lost his job, I have no interest in the how or whys, my concern is for my boys. I have physically stayed in the area that we lived in when we were married to keep the boys in the school system that they were established in. Now its not 90210 or anything but the cost of living is higher here than some other areas of Richmond.  I didn't do it because I love Suburgatory, I did it because it was what was best for my kids. With that said, Every cent I make goes toward bills to live here and the Child support received, is added to that amount, My kids are involved in everything they can be , That takes $$, So I juggle here and there and figure it out, Field Trips, Improv clubs, Drivers Ed fees, Summer Classes, countless trips back and forth to their specialty schools that are not near by, then there are Homecomings, there are track meets, there are birthday parties and the bizarre fact that the beasts wont stop growing!!!! Do you know what jeans cost when your child is 26X34 and there are only a handful of stores you can even purchase them in ??? Well I'll tell you...A LOT!! Now I could tell my kids NO, I could deny them entrance into the Specialty Programs they've worked so hard to get in to, have them ride "Normal " buses that don't involve me at 6:00 am and 4:45-6:00 pm driving and picking up, I could work a 8-5 job that pays better, but gives no flexibility to be there for the kids, and tell them to " Suck it Up", but I don't believe that is fair, I don't believe my kids should be denied because their parents made some shitty decisions that landed them in this scenario.

So I work my Crazy job, that allows me to come in at 9 or 9:08 so I can see my 10 year old off on the bus, and it allows me to work through lunch and leave at 4:30 to pick up from practices, or leave for an hour in the middle of our Clinic hours on a Thursday to catch a Track meet so that my son knows how proud I am of him, It allows me to stay home with a sick kid , or take a group to DC for a special Day (only once in 3 years) but still, they know In all aspects I am "It"! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't get paid when I have to run kids, I am an hourly employee, So when there is a need on their behalf and  i jump. We also don't get help at 5 am running kids to shuttle buses , there isn't any help at 10 on a Monday when a ride is needed home from the Comedy Sportz Club, there isn't any help from cross country practice every afternoon, No, Its just me and the beasts, and we manage pretty Damn well if I say so myself.

So.....With all that said, why oh why, when I ask the question " Will there be any changes in Child support or the dates of disbursement" do I have to get get answers  such as......

"Why would there be?"...... Well because there is a lag time when the state has to set up to pull from a new job, and they do that  because you were such a deadbeat that the courts ordered it be deducted directly from your check, do I need to go on??

I guess if I were the N.C ( his choice BTW) I would be at ease knowing someone had the interests of my kids before their own, that i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my sons were doing great because #1 they ARE great, and #2 they have a parent who supports them in everything they do, and I wouldn't do anything to be a obstacle in the already chaotic situation. Thats just me I guess, Thats not the "norm" i guess, and thats what I have to deal with. So for now I will just "Go with It", and pray that all works out. I will give this nagging worry NO MORE energy, and if any of you reading this can get a glimpse into the life of a single mom and it shines a light on your own behavior and prompts even one person to try and make a teeny tiny change, well than I made a little difference in this entirely fucked up world.

Thanks for indulging me, Have a great Monday night, this Momma needs to pick up a kid!!