A Date and a Barstool....

Dating is a Backburner sport in my world.  I am Blessed to have amazing friends who fill my quiet moments when I am in need of support, of course I love having fun, and being alone is perfectly fine with me.

So why one night before Christmas when I couldn't sleep i signed up for E-Harmony is beyond me, but I did, three months free , just cancel before renewal! So,  I "made" my profile whilst half asleep and when people were messaging me the next day I wondered why, Nothing made sense, I may as well of been blitzed, but it intrigued me to fix it, add pictures and see what could come of it. Up until three weeks ago I had met one very sweet gentleman for coffee, but we are at 2 very different points in our lives and it became apparent quickly that out priorities were not the same. At that point I figured that in order for a relationship to flourish it would take more than I am capable of, and decided it wasn't for me.

 I ignored the " blah blah is interested in you" deleted the daily " Heres your 7 daily matches" until one Wednesday Morning something caught my eye. I decided to check out his profile, looked great and then......"Cat Allergy" Oh Well, I sent a little message saying thanks, but I have cats, he sent a little message saying "all good and good luck", and then later that night I got another message saying he would hate to miss out on something when a allergy pill is easy enough to take if things go well, and so it all begins.....

Now when you have kids and you start to date, it involves " going out" and for me, someplace highly public, because lets face it there are whack jobs out there!!! ( Hell I married 2 of them) So Date #1 at a quaint Wine bar sitting in front of a roaring fire on a freezing cold night. Perfect!!! Date #2 Taphouse on a barstool, Date #3 Bonefish Barstool, Date #4 Bonefish Barstool #5 back to Sedona, #6 back to Bonefish....... Now what I am getting at is this, if you sit at a table , a server is going to expect you to leave or pay rent!! A bartender doesnt care, and if you order food there all the better for them, but this cant go on forever.

We laugh that most our correspondence is through text because we are both single parents and Kids come first, We hang on to every last word laughing hysterically when we spend time together, but I dont want our entire dating experience to take place at a bar, and  I also dont want to rush anything. So Friends whats a girl to do ? How do we Single parents date, get to know one another , protect our kids from getting exposed to someone but also not become a Lush ?

Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone

Welcome to Crazy Town: Quirkyalone: 1.  quirkyalone "Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right p...

Quirkyalone

1. quirkyalone

"Quirkyalone: n. a person who enjoys being single (or spending time alone) and so prefers to wait for the right person to come along rather than dating indiscriminately; relishing equal doses of solitude and friendship; attracted to freedom and possibility. Also adj.: The condition of being equally at home with singledom and being in a healthy relationship, undivided, whole. Of, relating to, or embodying quirkyalones."

It has come to my attention that I have become a "Quirkyalone", and I think I am absolutely fine with it, embracing it, gravitating toward it, maybe even loving it. Its not that I wouldn't love to share and spend my life with someone, No, just the opposite. I just believe that when you (as a woman) raise kids, run a home, take care of what ever crosses your path, a man finds it very hard to see where he could play a role in that life. With that said, why aimlessly date and hope it works? 

I read a Blog today, one of my Favorites, SDL. The title was "Girlfriends are meant to be Dumped". Now don't read into it, look up Dan Pearce and read his Blog, he had some very interesting things said and one really resonated with me 

"You are so complex. You have beliefs, and politics, and quirks, and weaknesses, and strengths, and goals, and loves, and hates, and baggage, and hope, and everything else that makes you who you are. To find someone who will fit into all of that for the rest of your life? Like I said, it could take a while -" Dan Pearce

I read those words and was like A-Ha!! You are so right !! We in our disposable society seem to think the alone time between relationships is similar to a flight holding pattern, knowing that at any moment its lift off time again. I was totally guilty of that when my first husband and I split. I was online looking for... something... within months. I hadnt  been without a partner in 17 years, I didnt know what to do with myself when my kids were away, my girlfriends werent close in proximity and I was new to Virginia. Well, I went on ONE date from that online adventure. It was Great, we had an amazing evening and to this day he is one of my very dearest friends, My go to guy, virtually a part of my family, but upon meeting him, I knew undeniably I was NO where near ready for a relationship, So a dear friend he became. And I joined a divorce support group. 

Enter next contestant please, and let me pre-empt this with,"Divorce support groups are meat markets" ! I found this "Meet-Up", It was starting soon nearby and was on a night when my kids had weekly dinner with their dad, perfect!!! Well,  I was the youngest female by 20 years and there were about 10 men in my age range, this was a great esteem boost after being left for someone nearly half my age after 17 years and 4 kids, but then calls began (all our numbers were on a call list, STUPID in retrospect!!) I started "dating " a gentleman from the group.  We had so much in common.... I had 4 sons , he had 4 sons, I recently moved from NY, He recently moved from NY, I love wine, He loved wine ....you get the picture? We went to lots of festivities that centered around our mutual likes, photography meet-ups to Wine Events and such. And then, one evening, over a lovely dinner, he started talking about his Ex wife, Mr. Divorce Support Guy actually said," she was always too tired to give me the attention he needed"....... {silence}....... I asked "Whatever do you mean?"  He replied " Oh, I dont know, but when I got home from work shes always all frazzled, kids running everywhere and dinner not done, I wanted to spend time with her and shes always dealing with the boys, and she just wanted help, I wanted sex and she wanted help " {Silence} Did I mention he had 6 year old Autistic twins? that was in addition to the "moody"13 year old and the "cranky" little one. (his descriptions not mine) I bet she wanted help, Im sure she was frazzled , What the fuck dude ???  Well, it was at that time I suggested he leave, and as he started whining to me "why??" I vaguely remember screaming something to the effect of this..... "HAVE YOU NOT MET ME?? HAVE YOU NOT SAT THROUGH COUNTLESS GROUPS WERE I CRIED ABOUT MY EX SAYING THOSE EXACT THINGS?? OH MY GOD YOU ARE HIM, JUST 5 INCHES TALLER, AND EVEN NEEDIER!! YOU DONT WANT A PARTNER, YOU WANT A SINGLE WHORE AND A NANNY, AND SINCE I AM NEITHER..... GOODNIGHT !!" I never saw him again, but he did mail me a very sappy letter that explained his neediness, and asked for another chance. I was not amused and did not reply.

Enter Contestant #3. A man my family knew, a man who called my mother, stepdad and brother to ask  for permission, and if I was even ready for a relationship. The dating was insane, I never really "dated" anyone until #3 and it was amazing!! We spent time time together , alone, with my kids, my kids adored him, he did so many of the right things it was easy to ignore the the red flags that were blowing right under my nose. I married this man , I honestly believed I loved him and that it was meant to be , but on our wedding day I knew I was making a mistake, a GINORMOUS mistake. There was just this part of me that wanted that perfect picture so bad that I thought I could "Make" it happen against all the unfavorable cards,  i tried so hard, and I think he did as well, but having no children, and his previous marriage 20 years prior lasting less than a year, were just 2 more flashing neon signs i had knowingly unplugged, and that marriage fell to its untimely demise just one year and one week after it began. I am now faced with a two year separation and a man I cant locate to sign divorce papers.

All this out in the open , I am positive why being Quirkyalone is working for me, If it is meant to be , it will happen, if a man truly wants to know me he will make an effort to do so, and if i dont scare the shit out of him, It could be Amazingly Fun!!

In the meantime, I am who I am. My kids are the center of my world . When I have downtime without them I walk the fine line between overextending myself with friends, and activities, and  braless SVU marathons eating peanut butter out of a jar with pretzels in bed all weekend.

So here is my Shout Out to Miss Sasha Cagen, the wonderful Chick who coined the phrase "Quirkyalone", Thank you for giving me my own special little stereotype!!!

Oh For the Love of God!!!! Just answer my FREAKING Question!!!!

Rant Rant Rant !!!!!! If you aren't in to reading a rant that is purely all frustration and that should just be " Let Go Of", I suggest you close this page NOW........

You still here? Well don't comment negatively, I did warn you!! ''

Have you ever asked a simple question, a question that in all rights you were more than entitled to the answer, and yet get passive aggressive, evasive answers? For those of you dealing with an Ex, I am sure from time to time you have had to ask a question and basically need to spell it out to get the reply you need, deserve, want, request, or require. WHY< WHY< WHY?? Please tell me why!!!

 If a custodial parent is asking a noncustodial parent for a work address and work phone number, Do you ask why? and if N.C parent is given an answer of " I am filling out  school forms and I don't have it" Why do I get.... "Well, Why do they need it?" Should I retreat and just leave it blank? Well if I do, when Said parent misses something they blame ME for not notifying them..... Oy Vey!! Really?? You wouldnt give your information!!! Welcome to "Sarahs life 101" !!

Recently I gained knowledge that my ex had lost his job, I have no interest in the how or whys, my concern is for my boys. I have physically stayed in the area that we lived in when we were married to keep the boys in the school system that they were established in. Now its not 90210 or anything but the cost of living is higher here than some other areas of Richmond.  I didn't do it because I love Suburgatory, I did it because it was what was best for my kids. With that said, Every cent I make goes toward bills to live here and the Child support received, is added to that amount, My kids are involved in everything they can be , That takes $$, So I juggle here and there and figure it out, Field Trips, Improv clubs, Drivers Ed fees, Summer Classes, countless trips back and forth to their specialty schools that are not near by, then there are Homecomings, there are track meets, there are birthday parties and the bizarre fact that the beasts wont stop growing!!!! Do you know what jeans cost when your child is 26X34 and there are only a handful of stores you can even purchase them in ??? Well I'll tell you...A LOT!! Now I could tell my kids NO, I could deny them entrance into the Specialty Programs they've worked so hard to get in to, have them ride "Normal " buses that don't involve me at 6:00 am and 4:45-6:00 pm driving and picking up, I could work a 8-5 job that pays better, but gives no flexibility to be there for the kids, and tell them to " Suck it Up", but I don't believe that is fair, I don't believe my kids should be denied because their parents made some shitty decisions that landed them in this scenario.

So I work my Crazy job, that allows me to come in at 9 or 9:08 so I can see my 10 year old off on the bus, and it allows me to work through lunch and leave at 4:30 to pick up from practices, or leave for an hour in the middle of our Clinic hours on a Thursday to catch a Track meet so that my son knows how proud I am of him, It allows me to stay home with a sick kid , or take a group to DC for a special Day (only once in 3 years) but still, they know In all aspects I am "It"! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't get paid when I have to run kids, I am an hourly employee, So when there is a need on their behalf and  i jump. We also don't get help at 5 am running kids to shuttle buses , there isn't any help at 10 on a Monday when a ride is needed home from the Comedy Sportz Club, there isn't any help from cross country practice every afternoon, No, Its just me and the beasts, and we manage pretty Damn well if I say so myself.

So.....With all that said, why oh why, when I ask the question " Will there be any changes in Child support or the dates of disbursement" do I have to get get answers  such as......

"Why would there be?"...... Well because there is a lag time when the state has to set up to pull from a new job, and they do that  because you were such a deadbeat that the courts ordered it be deducted directly from your check, do I need to go on??

I guess if I were the N.C ( his choice BTW) I would be at ease knowing someone had the interests of my kids before their own, that i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my sons were doing great because #1 they ARE great, and #2 they have a parent who supports them in everything they do, and I wouldn't do anything to be a obstacle in the already chaotic situation. Thats just me I guess, Thats not the "norm" i guess, and thats what I have to deal with. So for now I will just "Go with It", and pray that all works out. I will give this nagging worry NO MORE energy, and if any of you reading this can get a glimpse into the life of a single mom and it shines a light on your own behavior and prompts even one person to try and make a teeny tiny change, well than I made a little difference in this entirely fucked up world.

Thanks for indulging me, Have a great Monday night, this Momma needs to pick up a kid!!

Manic Mondays, Wasted Weekends !!

Once again I am blessed enough to live and see another Monday, and for as many Sunday to Monday transitions I have survived , I haven't learned that I cant "Will" the weekend to extend no matter how hard I try and adding hours to Sunday evening, Well  that only makes Monday Mornings even tougher. Teen Beast felt the need to emulate my notion of keeping the weekend alive last night and played  FIFA 2014 way too late, The other two were so beat up by the weekend they didn't mind calling a day a day, but why is it that we don't live all days as happy as we are on the weekends?

Is it because we are rushed, overwhelmed, over extended and we feel as though our obligation to work or school wastes the time that we would generally squander anyway if it were the weekend? Think about it. What I do makes some difference to someone, even with as boring and mundane as the majority of my job life is, but If I don't do it, a domino effect of chaos would ensue. If Teen beast doesn't love the schooling he receives, I begin to question why I invest the time I do to support what I imagine is his love of the arts.

When I think about what is so great about the weekends and try to incorporate it into the daily grind what I really see is that we love the weekend because we crave laziness. Thats sorta scary!!!  In our wild and crazy day to day ,  all the things we are Passionate about are happening, Whether its Drama and the Arts, Running Cross Country, Cooking and Baking, or just snuggling with a kid and a book at the end of a long day. We don't engage in that when the weekend comes. No, instead we stay in our PJ's, waste the day playing video games, watching trashy TV, and pretend to "make a plan" all day, only to order take out, and continue our Slugfest.

When My kids are with their Dad for the weekend I tend to try and make the most of my time, whether its Catching up with Friends, cleaning house , doing laundry, or events that are not kid friendly or kid appropriate, it is then I  feel my spent time was "Weekend Worthy".All this isn't to say that downtime isn't important or necessary, But I honestly feel that if I lived everyday with the notion that EVERYDAY is Amazing, whether it involves carpools or cocktails.Then maybe, just maybe every Sunday night wouldnt consist of wishing for "One more " day to my weekend . Instead I could honestly treasure the time at hand. Today is Day one! Here we go with this ........

I will ask myself  "if today was Saturday what would I do that I feel I am missing out on ?" My answer on this AMAZINGLY beautiful day, I would cookout and invite dinner guests, So I will!!! Make it a Great day people, Its already half over, and you will never get it back!!!!

Welcome to Crazy Town: Seriously? Are you really that happy?

Welcome to Crazy Town: Seriously? Are you really that happy?: Yes, Yes I am this happy!! Why is it so hard in life for people to be happy, and accept that even in the midst of diversity, you can find ...

Seriously? Are you really that happy?

Yes, Yes I am this happy!! Why is it so hard in life for people to be happy, and accept that even in the midst of diversity, you can find peace and be Happy ?  Really I need some answers, my curiosity meter is off the hook!! This is beyond my comprehension! Why are some people choosing to be negative and unhappy?

If you know me, you know the smile on my face is pretty genuine. Honestly I try to " Not Sweat the Small Stuff" or even the BIG stuff for that matter,  it doesn't do me any good, why not just " Let it Go" ? Thats not to say I don't worry, but I don't notify everyone I know about my crazy thoughts. What fun is that? If someone sat me down today and asked me what I my biggest gripes were, they would probably be really surprised, It wouldn't include my "rantables" that i through out on Facebook or even what I bitch about in Blogs. The stuff that truly saddens me Is sad, and I reserve it.

So why is it that some people feel the need to relive their bullshit and baggage daily? Why if you are healthy, you are employed, your kids are healthy, vibrant, excelling, you have food in you cabinets, more than enough money in the bank, people around you who love and support you, would you continue to focus on "A" negative aspect in your life? Focus To the point that it makes you physically ill ? I cant imagine why one would chose to wake up everyday and make a conscious decision to be anything other than happy.

With that being said, I do understand some people having Mentally Illness, being clinically depressed, Bi Polar, or so forth, and they cant "Be Happy" without some mental health intervention.I GET THAT!!Not the case on point. Case in Point involves a scorned woman who is looking for a Man to swoop in solve all her problems, raise her kids, and financially rescue her from dealing with an Ex who is less than desirable to deal with!! WAKE THE FUCK UP HONEY!!!! NO MAN WANTS THAT KIND OF BAGGAGE!!!

So here I am , the friend who was just cried AT and screamed AT for an hour, because no one understands how hard it is to be " A single mom with three boys and a narcissistic ex husband" ummmmm??? Well yes, yes I do! "Well you don't have an ADHD child who dominates yours and your families time and energy" why yes, yes i do, " Well you didn't have a judge that couldn't see through your exes lies" Hmmmmm ??? why yes, yes I did......... and that's when you have to pull the "My phone is almost dead card" and 3 minutes, 3 long minutes later, you disconnect.

Happiness, Happiness people, BE FUCKING HAPPY!! If you are reading this, you have a computer or phone that allows you access to the internet, that makes you among the the top 34% of people in the world!!! Yipee!!! Did you have coffee this morning? you are among the 61% of people worldwide who have access to clean water!!! WooHoo!!!Yeah, yeah, I know, in the grand scheme of car pools and scooping kitty liter, planning weekly grocery lists, dealing with Exes, dealing with kids, parenting, budgeting, all the day to day mundane bullshit sometimes we don't let these things register, but maybe we should!!

Six and a half years ago I thought I was living the dream, big house, new cars every few years , vacations, nannies, unlimited everything I could ever Want, and in the blink of an eye everything changed, and it sucked, and it hurt, but life goes fucking on !!  Soon I learned why all those material things made up my  "life", My eyes were opened to the lack of joy and happiness,My eyes are opened to the void that I filled with material things, and I reassessed , I regrouped, I put on My big girl panties and showed the world what I got!!  I got Happy!! And No One will take that from me, its mine. Yeah I complain, I bitch, and then  I get over it.

Look I am NO poster child for perfection by any means!! But the way I see it,We get this tiny  speck of time on this earth and WE get to choose what WE do with it, and if things happen that are out of our control WE get to decide how WE react to it.Why not choose to be happy?

I don't have a bazillion readers or anything, but the handful that do read this, Be Happy, Please !!! Being Happy makes this fucked up world a much better place. Smile at people, encourage people, talk to people, help people, Show your happiness, Share your happiness, and if someone is constantly negative and constantly and willfully unhappy, be careful, don't get sucked in. And always, ALWAYS remember..... Don't let anyone EVER dull your Sparkle!!